“Hillary Clinton is ending her campaign, but really in the bigger sense it’s sad because, think about it, there goes right down the drain the Clinton dream of a being a two-impeachment family.” –David Letterman
“Now that Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, Americans are going to have to choose between the 46-year-old Obama and the 71-year-old John McCain. That’s the choice. In other words, it’s a choice between the Hillary-defeater or the Wal-Mart greeter.” -Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton is still not conceding her campaign, because she says there’s still a chance of the vice presidency. In fact, she’s going to offer it to Barack one last time.” –Jay Leno
“People are now talking about the ticket, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Would that be a good ticket? And I think this would be the first, if you think about it, first combination of an African American man and a white woman since, well, Michael Jackson.” -David Letterman
“Everyone is wondering now if Obama will ask Hillary to be his running mate. Obama actually tried to call her last night, and got her voicemail twice. I guess she only takes calls at 3:00 a.m. It was also probably hard to hear the phone over the sound of over her husband weeping.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“During her speech last night, you know, Hillary kept referring to Barack as ‘my friend, my friend.’ You notice, every time she called Barack ‘my friend,’ she said it in the same tone as when she calls Bill, ‘my husband’.” -Jay Leno
“Oh, and in his speech last night, John McCain said we must get off of fossil fuels. See, that’s why a lot of people admire McCain. That’s why he’s considered such a maverick. Here you have a fossil, coming out against fossil fuel.” -Jay Leno
“Former White House press spokesman Scott McClellan has written a book highly critical of the Bush administration. And while in Utah, President Bush told an audience he has not read McClellan’s book. He doesn’t plan to read it. It’s nothing to do with McClellan, just general principle. It’s a book. It’s got big words, and not a lot of pictures.” -Jay Leno
“Dick Cheney has apologized to the people of West Virginia for making a joke about inbreeding at their expense. But see, I don’t think Cheney gets it. In fact, today, while trying to apologize, he said he felt as stupid as a guy from Kentucky.” -Jay Leno
