“Barack Obama was on ‘Meet The Press’ Sunday. John McCain was on a new show called ‘I Wish I Could Meet The Press.'” -Jay Leno
“There’s a lot of what they call buzz going around in the blogosphere right now that Barack Obama will choose the Governor of Virginia, this guy Tim Kaine, to be his running mate. Officially Obama hasn’t said anything, all they say is that he’s narrowed the pool of candidates down to ‘Not Hillary.'” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Polls show that Barack Obama is more popular than John McCain in Germany, France and Great Britain. However, John McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul, and the Holy Roman Empire.” -Jay Leno
“Heard about this group called ‘Prayer at the Pump’? There are prayer groups that are springing up, and they go to gas stations and they hold hands and they pray for lower gas prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy plan.” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama made a big announcement, Barack Obama announced that next month, he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. Yeah. Yeah, after hearing about it, President Bush said ‘I can’t believe he’s taking another trip to a foreign country.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton is trying to retire her campaign debt so she’s giving everyone who donates money a chance to have dinner with her. Yeah. No word yet on what the winner gets.” -Conan O’Brien
“Nation, I’ve got great news — I am furious. Today Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was unfairly indicted by the Justice Department, just because the oilfield company VECO didn’t charge him for an extensive renovation on his house — including a brand new first floor, a fully finished basement, a wrap-around deck, and, one assumes, installing the latest internet tubes. The Justice Department is calling this a conflict of interest. Please — VECO is a major oil drilling company, and Senator Stevens worked tirelessly to allow drilling in ANWR. That’s not a conflict of interest — their interests line up perfectly. This is a non-story folks, and I look forward to Stevens being proven innocent when President Bush commutes his sentence.” -Stephen Colbert
“Nation, I am still furious that Alaska Republican Senator Ted Stevens was indicted yesterday on charges that he improperly received gifts from oil field giant Veco. It was not improper. Senator Stevens received those gifts very properly. He even sent them a thank you note. ‘Thanks for doing over $250,000 worth of renovations to my house and not charging me for it. Sincerely, Senator Ted Stevens.’ The guy was raised right. Is that suddenly a crime?” -Stephen Colbert
“The latest politic gossip is that Hillary Clinton is not particularly high on Barack Obama’s vice presidential list. In fact, turns out she’s somewhere between the Reverend Wright and Jesse Jackson.” -Jay Leno
“It looks like Hillary Clinton still has a shot at being vice president. Yeah, if John McCain picks her.” -Jay Leno
“Well, yesterday Congress officially apologized for slavery. Not a moment too soon, huh? You hate to see these things fester until there’s a lot of animosity. Thank God they nipped it in the bud like that.” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama says that next month he’s planning on spending a week on vacation in Hawaii. Yeah, when he heard this, President Bush said, ‘Pace yourself, ’cause once you become president, the vacations start coming fast and furious.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Time magazine says that many top Republicans are worried that lately, John McCain has been taking too negative a tone. When he heard this, McCain said, ‘Shut your piehole.’ Good for him.” -Conan O’Brien
