“The presidential election now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what’s his name, versus Sarah Palin and what’s his name.” -Jay Leno

“Joe Biden gave a speech in Michigan yesterday, where he said that John McCain is the sequel to President Bush, and he said the sequel is always worse than the original. Yeah. Well, President Bush was furious. He said, ‘Apparently, Joe Biden has not seen ‘The Empire Strikes Back.'” -Jay Leno

“But John McCain’s campaign said that Sarah Palin will not talk to the media, this is a quote, until reporters can address her with respect and deference. Oh, what is she running for, vice president or queen?” –Jay Leno

“I’m not sure if Sarah Palin knows what to do about the economy either. Do you think she has any experience? She was asked today what to do in a bear market. And she said, ‘Well, you should shoot it, then skin it.'” -Jay Leno

“Well, as you all know, during the interview with Charles Gibson last week on ABC, Sarah Palin did not know what the Bush doctrine was. But to be fair, a month ago, she didn’t know who John McCain was either.” -Jay Leno

“John McCain and Sarah Palin attended a campaign rally in Vienna, Ohio, today. They were in Vienna. Apparently, they went to Vienna so Sarah Palin could get some foreign policy experience.” -Jay Leno

“I tell you, you know who’s got to be depressed about all of this? Hillary Clinton. I mean, look at this woman. She works hard, goes to Wellesley, goes to Yale, graduates with honors, devotes her entire life to public service. Now she’s starting to realize if she had just put on some makeup and shot a moose, she’d be on her way to the White House.” -Jay Leno

“Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people.” -Jay Leno

“Actually, John McCain attended his own fund-raiser tonight, where he raised even more money. He had dinner with his wife.” -Jay Leno

“U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson tried to calm growing fears, vowing that the U.S. financial markets will remain stable. And he said, ‘You can take that to the bank, assuming you can find one that’s still open.'” -Jay Leno

“You know, I’ll tell you, once again, I don’t think President Bush gets it. He doesn’t really understand these economic issues. Like today, he was asked if customers should be concerned by all these bank closings. And Bush said, ‘If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM.'” -Jay Leno

“Well, let’s see, Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America. See, that’s when you know the subprime mortgage market is bad, even brokerage houses are losing their houses. That’s why they’re called brokers. After they take your money, you’re broker. You see?” -Jay Leno

“Yesterday, after the Dow Jones industrial average dropped over 500 points, President Bush chimed in. This is what he said. He said, ‘Adjustments in the financial markets can be difficult.’ Yeah, then he told the American people to bend over.” -Conan O’Brien

“A weird thing came out of the John McCain campaign. An adviser to John McCain … claimed today, just a couple of hours ago, that McCain helped create the BlackBerry. That’s what he said, yeah. Or, as McCain calls it, ‘the fancy garage door opener.'” -Conan O’Brien

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