“More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do.” -Jay Leno

“I tell you, the economy continues to spiral. Oh, man, I saw a bank robber today being held up by a teller.” -Jay Leno

“They’re still calling it a correction. I love this. When CEOs make bad decisions that cause Wall Street to crash, oh, it’s called a correction. You know what we should do? Take these people and put them in a correctional institute. Okay, that’s what we should do.” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama said today the government’s $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.” -Jay Leno

“At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group calling themselves ‘Blacks Against Obama.’ Actually, a pretty small group. It’s just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.” -Jay Leno

“John McCain’s vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, went to the United Nations today for the first time. Yeah, how about that? … She met with the presidents of Afghanistan, Colombia and Iraq. She was excited because these are all countries you can’t see from Alaska.” -Jay Leno

“Earlier today, Governor Sarah Palin held a meeting with several leaders from other countries to showcase her foreign policy expertise. That’s right, yeah. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds.” -Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin says she was very impressed with all of the landmarks in New York City. As they were driving over the Hudson River, she said, ‘Wow! Your bridges actually go somewhere!'” -Jay Leno

“This Friday is the first presidential debate. After like nine years of this campaign, we’re going to have a presidential debate, finally. I think that’s good. I think it’s time, don’t you? … Sources from Barack Obama’s campaign say that during the debate — this is true — Obama’s going to try to get John McCain to lose his temper. That’s the strategy. Yeah, Obama plans to do this by constantly repeating the phrase, ‘Matlock is gay.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, challenged John McCain to a debate. Did you know that? Yeah. McCain says if he wanted to be attacked by an extremist in an unfair environment, he’d appear on MSNBC. That’s the way to do it in this country.” -Conan O’Brien

“Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also spoke at the U.N. earlier today. Do you know anything about Ahmadinejad? He is so humorless. I mean, just completely nothing. Absolutely void of humor. So they’ve asked him to host next year’s Emmys.” -David Letterman

“Did you know that? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. This is a guy who hates Jews and gays. Boy, is he in the wrong town. Good luck.” -David Letterman

“Exciting stuff going on over at the United Nations earlier today. President Bush addressed the U.N. General Assembly. Apparently his father couldn’t get him out of it.” -David Letterman

“All these world leaders, while they’re in New York City over there at the U.N., in their free time they’re doing some shopping. The Japanese premiere, for example, earlier today got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.” -David Letterman

“Speaking of John McCain, in his speech today, John McCain said that illegal irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. Yeah. When asked why, McCain said, ‘Because my wife’s family owns Budweiser.'” -Conan O’Brien