Blagojevich
“Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is now in federal custody on corruption charges. The governor, they say he conspired to sell the U.S. Senate seat held by Barack Obama. Remember he left it vacant? He was trying to sell it to the highest bidder. Yeah, now, I don’t want to say he was brazen about it, but he did it on eBay.” -Jay Leno
“He’s facing jail time, which will be a switch. In federal prison, he’ll be going to the highest bidder. See, it’s totally different now.” -Jay Leno
“The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested in Chicago of charges of trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat, which I guess is, like, totally illegal. … It was a very stupid thing to do. Especially since the last governor of Illinois is currently in prison for exactly the same kind of thing. And not only that, think of it, you’re in Chicago, you have Barack Obama’s seat for sale, don’t you go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for Barack Obama’s seat than her?” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Here’s a great story, because we had some trouble with our governor a couple of months ago, Governor Spitzer. Well, now, the governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, has been arrested. He wanted $150,000 to name somebody to replace senator Barack Obama as the senator from Illinois. Isn’t that crazy? Yeah. One count of bribery, also one count of fraud, and also one count of blagojeviching.” -David Letterman
“This morning, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI because he was trying to sell the Senate seat being vacated by Barack Obama. Blagojevich says he’s sorry he tried to sell the seat and extremely sorry he did it on Craigslist.” -Conan O’Brien
“Now folks, the word ‘jag-off,’ it gets thrown around pretty casually in today’s society. Perhaps a little too casually. Hey, the light’s green, jag-off. Hey, what are you two jag-offs in the Yankee hats? Why did CBS take the show ‘Jag’ off? What kind of jag-off would do that? But a lot of those people aren’t really jag-offs. Some are jerks, or d***s or j***-offs. It’s a real privilege to see a true jag-off in action. Take Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. … This man has nothing to hide, except perhaps whatever is written on his forehead. My guess is it’s something like ‘bribe me.'” -Jon Stewart
“Spitzer was a lot more fun and a lot easier to say, too. Yeah, when former New York Governor Elliott Spitzer heard about Governor Blagojevich, he said, ‘Hey, you call that a scandal? No, I don’t think so. At least when a New York governor goes down, he has some fun on the way. ‘” -David Letterman
“Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated.” -Stephen Colbert
Obama
“Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn’t be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!” -Jay Leno
“And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime. All together in one room.” -Jay Leno
“Latest rumor in Washington is that President-elect Barack Obama may open up trade with Cuba. This is great news for anyone looking to buy a black-and-white television.” -Conan O’Brien
“Barack Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don’t know. Is that a big issue for the American people? … Let me tell you something, okay? If he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.” -Jay Leno
Politics as Usual
“Voters in Louisiana on Saturday kicked out of office Democratic Senator William Jefferson. You remember this guy? Remember the guy who was indicted last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer? Well, the voters kicked him out of office. How ironic is that? The only politician in Washington who actually saved some money. He had money left. Make him treasury secretary. Put all our money in the freezer!” -Jay Leno
“This is a weird story. Fran Drescher’s in the news. Fran Drescher, who starred in ‘The Nanny,’ says she wants to be appointed to Hillary Clinton’s senate seat. Unfortunately, the seat has already been promised to Mr. Belvedere.” -Conan O’Brien
“I love New York City, especially at the holidays. And speaking of the holidays, today, Sarah Palin went out and shot a Norway spruce.” -David Letterman
The Economy
“But, you know, when the Big Three CEOs went to Washington, they said, ‘We’ve got to have $25 billion.’ Congress said, ‘You know what? Wait right here. Let me go to the back and talk to the manager.'” -David Letterman
“Our government right now is still trying to work out a bailout for the auto industry. Yesterday, President Bush said, ‘It’s hard to tell if a deal with the automakers is imminent.’ Then Bush said, ‘It’s also hard to tell if the big hand’s on the 11 or the 12.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Well, it looks like the Big Three auto makers are going to get some bailout money. But the CEOs, these guys, they have promised when they get the bailout money, they can’t use it to give themselves big, big year-end bonuses. They said, ‘Well, no, of course not. That’s what the employee pension funds are for.'” -David Letterman
