“Now here’s evidence of actual progress in Iraq. Iraq, as of today, is officially open to tourism. Cut me a slice of that.” – David Letterman
“You can tell it’s tourism season in Iraq because today an American had to duck a pair of flip-flops.” – David Letterman
“I have a plan to end the war in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Here’s what we do. We bring all our soldiers home. We send in our investment bankers. They’ll screw up the place in six months. Six months!” – Jay Leno
“How many watched the President’s news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he’s talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama also announced a major faith-based program. His budget.” – Jay Leno
“A construction worker from Queens, New York, used Bernard Madoff’s prison number to play the lottery and won. The guy won $1,500. Bernard Madoff, of course, is in prison for luring money from rich people in a giant scam that promised to make them richer. But don’t confuse him with the state lottery, which lures money away from poor people in a giant scam that promises to make them richer.” – Jay Leno
“The economy is so bad, on ‘Sesame Street,’ they won’t even talk about letters ‘A,’ ‘I,’ or ‘G’ anymore.” – Jay Leno
“Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is writing a book about his role in the Bush administration during the economic crisis. It’s weird, the book starts on Chapter 11. That’s odd.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, ‘Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“George W. Bush, who was our president before Barack Obama, recently signed a deal to write a book for $7 million. And it makes sense because when you think George W. Bush, you think book. Don’t you, really?” – David Letterman
“In the book, George W. Bush will discuss his 12 toughest decisions, like ‘should I heed Al Roker’s warnings about Katrina?’ That would be one tough decision. ‘Should I let Cheney carry a loaded shotgun?’ That would be another.” – David Letterman
