“President Obama said this week that things will get worse before they get better. That’s something you never hear before the election. ‘Let me tell you, if I’m elected it’s going to get a lot worse.'” – Jay Leno
“We’re down to the Final Four now. And by that I mean we’re down to the last four working banks in America.” – Craig Ferguson
“The Republicans released their budget counter-proposal this week. It plans to address the deficit, global warming, healthcare, energy, massive tax cuts for the rich. I’m not kidding. Also, there are no numbers in this budget. It’s a budget plan without any math in it. You know, Obama should have saved that Special Olympics joke for these retards.” – Bill Maher
“Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner broke out his big plan this week to buy up all those toxic assets that the banks are holding. If you don’t know what a toxic asset means, it’s a piece of paper that’s worthless now, but could be worth something someday, the same way Confederate money could be. Or, those old newspapers in your garage. All we have to do is find someone to buy them, preferably a moron who sh*ts gold.” – Bill Maher
“Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives.” – Craig Ferguson
“Barack Obama is taking his first overseas trip as president tomorrow. He is headed to the G20 economic summit. And he’s been rehearsing his opening line to foreign leaders. ‘Hi, I’m not George Bush. Hi, I’m not George Bush.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” – Jay Leno
“People are pissed off. Did you hear this? This is not a joke. Melissa Etheridge says she will not pay taxes in California until they legalize gay marriage. Let’s see. A high-profile liberal who won’t pay taxes. Sounds like someone who wants to be in the Obama Cabinet!” – Bill Maher
“The postmaster general of the United States said that the post office lost $2.8 billion last year. Here’s the worst part, do you know where it got lost? In the mail.” – Jay Leno
“Today at the White House, President Obama met with the CEOs of all the major U.S. banks. A lot of these big bonus guys. The CEOs looked around the White House and said, ‘You live in this dump?’.” – Jay Leno
“In an unusual move for a sitting secretary of state, Hillary Clinton was given Planned Parenthood’s highest award. In her speech, she revealed her number one recommended method of birth control: Pantsuits.” – Jay Leno
“Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s the part I find odd. Now, the government didn’t ask any of those Wall Street C.E.O.s to quit. Isn’t that kind of a double standard? I mean, if you build Cadillacs, you’re screwed. But if your chauffeur drives a Cadillac, you’re okay. Whew!” – Jay Leno
“I have an announcement to make. This is my last night. The White House has asked me to step down.” – David Letterman
“According to the government, Rick Wagoner was forced to resign because of poor performance. That’s embarrassing. You run an organization that loses billions of dollars and then get fired by a guy who heads up an organization that loses trillions of dollars.” – Jay Leno
“Right after the announcement, Wagoner hopped on his private jet and flew to the unemployment office.” – David Letterman
“And listen to this. I guess they’re going to, like, be in the car business. President Obama said the United States government will stand by your car’s warranty. Assuming, of course, the government is still around in five years.” – Jay Leno
“This is crazy. The CEO at General Motors, Rick Wagoner, been there for like 30 years, but President Obama says, ‘You’re done, pal. Take a seat.’ Bounced the guy right out of the job. He’ll be replaced now by Jimmy Fallon.” – David Letterman
“Looking back at his presidential run this week, John McCain said that he got a lot of votes because of Sarah Palin. And weirdly enough, that’s the same thing President Obama said.” – Jimmy Fallon
“And in a speech in Anchorage, Alaska, Sarah Palin took kind of a cheap shot at her former running mate, John McCain. She said she couldn’t find anyone to pray with during the campaign. She’s not the only one. Between Jesse Jackson and Reverend Wright, Obama couldn’t find anybody to pray with either.” – Jay Leno
“And Republican Congressman Peter King says he’s very upset that Notre Dame, where he went to law school, is giving an honorary degree to President Obama, even though Obama is pro-choice. He said that giving Obama an honorary degree is putting him in an exalted position. Really? Isn’t he President of the United States? You think that little certificate from Notre Dame is going to push him right over the top?” – Jay Leno
“MTV, Music Television, is putting actual music videos back on their network. If it works, Fox News said they’ll start doing actual news again.” – Craig Ferguson
“Fox News launched a new editorial website today that is based solely on reporters’ opinions, not on the facts of the stories themselves. They’re calling the site Fox News.” – Jimmy Fallon
