“The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That’s what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel.” – Conan O’Brien
“Last night, Former President Bill Clinton, under cover of darkness, parachuted into North Korea with a knife in his teeth and a skull on his chest to rescue journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee. And it was a 13-hour flight home, during which, citing standard rescue protocol, Clinton gave both women mouth-to-mouth.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Clinton flew all the way to North Korea, under the cover of night, to rescue two beautiful women from the clutches of an evil dictator. And what’s amazing is that’s the exact same alibi he used on Hillary last week.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former President Bill Clinton yesterday flew behind North Korea’s iron deficiency curtain and secured the release the two journalists. No guns, no bloodshed, just a silk suit, raspy southern charm and, based on personal experience, a hint, just a touch, of P. Diddy’s ‘Unforgivable.'” – Jon Stewart
“Meanwhile, also this morning, Former President Bush rescued two purple stars from his Lucky Charms.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Newspapers around the country are calling former President Bill Clinton a hero for his role in extracting two female journalists from North Korea. As a result, today, Clinton asked to be named secretary of extracting Asian chicks.” – Conan O’Brien
“North Korea, it turns out, they were offered a meeting with Al Gore in exchange for the two American journalists, but Kim Jong Il wanted to meet with Bill Clinton instead. Al Gore said, ‘I have no hard feelings at all,’ and then he gained 70 pounds and grew a beard.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sonia Sotomayor was just confirmed by the U.S. Senate for the Supreme Court. I’m not sure how this works. So, does she sit next to Randy or Simon Cowell? Either way, it’s going to be a great season.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Earlier today, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the U.S. Supreme Court’s first Hispanic justice. Or, as Lou Dobbs reported it, ‘Yet another job gone south of the border.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The latest polls show that President Obama’s approval ratings have slumped to an all-time low, which explains Obama’s new Secret Service code name, ‘NBC.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The Pentagon’s concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there’s no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier’s five favorite romantic comedies are.” – Conan O’Brien
“This week the Toyota Corolla became the most traded-in car as part of the ‘Cash for Clunkers’ program. After hearing about it, the CEO of General Motors said, ‘Oh my God, don’t tell me Toyota makes even a better clunker than we do.'” – Conan O’Brien
