“We’re finding out a lot about Joe Stack. That’s right, Joe the Suicide Bomber, the guy who flew the plane into the IRS office building in Texas. Boy, I knew teabaggers were mad, I didn’t know they had an air force.” – Bill Maher
“And now the authorities are trying to determine whether this is a terrorist attack, or just a tragic accident caused by Kevin Smith’s fat ass.” – Bill Maher
“The Winter Olympics, apparently a big thing for a lot of people, and America has won the most medals. The only sport I really get into is snowboarding because that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.” – Bill Maher
“You’re watching CBS, home of the 1998 Winter Olympics.” – David Letterman
“Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it’s waterboarding, but colder.” – David Letterman
The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that. I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the ‘mistress in your region.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Tiger was adamant that his wife Elin never hit him with a golf club. I guess his Escalade fell down the stairs.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One award moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, ‘Who’s the retard in the blanket?'” – Bill Maher
“Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It’s because Biden removed Cheney’s dungeon at the White House.” – David Letterman
