“As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles.” – Jay Leno
“Anybody here from Arizona? They have that new tough immigration law, and they say now because they’re getting a lot of reaction, they’re saying it isn’t targeted to Mexicans. The immigration law, they said, is not about keeping Mexicans south of the border. As a matter of fact, they had a crew out today of government agents looking for Dutch people.” – David Letterman
“I called the governor’s office in Arizona today, and the recorded message said press one for English, press two for English, press three for English.” – Jay Leno
“Senator John McCain supported Arizona’s new immigration bill. John McCain, also an immigrant. He came over on the Mayflower.” – David Letterman
“This new law is pretty strict. You can’t use the slogan ‘what can brown do for you?’ anymore. Can’t even use that.” –Jay Leno
“Ironically, after they passed this new law, you know how they celebrated at the statehouse? Shots of tequila.” – Jay Leno
“The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona.” – Jay Leno
“Well, it was an announced today that President Bush’s book will be released Nov. 9. The book will be called ‘Decision Points.’ It will be centered on 14 decisions President Bush made during his presidency. See, this should silence the critics who claim Dick Cheney made all of the decisions. This book will prove Bush made at least 14 of them.” – Jay Leno
“Here, this is good. Going to be ready for you in November. Going to be in bookstores in November. It’s George W. Bush’s memoir. It’s about 14 key decisions that George W. Bush made in his life. For example, his decision to move Jay to 10 p.m. is covered in the book.” – David Letterman
“The book will be ready in November. Bush is making last-minute revisions right now. As a matter of fact, his computer screen is covered with whiteout.” – David Letterman
“And the publisher says that the book contains quite a discussion about all of the mistakes that he made and all of the problems and all of the trouble that he caused. Boy, that will be a long book.” – David Letterman
“And his wife, Laura Bush, also has written a book. They’re going to be published at the same time. Both have memoirs. Her story and his story. I was thinking, well, whose book would you rather read? The one by the librarian or the one by the guy who choked on a pretzel?” – David Letterman
“The Senate held hearings on what role Goldman Sachs played in the mortgage meltdown of 2008. They allegedly sold bad mortgages to their clients and then bet against them to make profits for themselves. I think that’s what the ‘American Idol’ judges are doing to us this season with these crappy singers.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The top executive of Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves crooks always return to the scene of the crime.” – Jay Leno
“So today you had lawyers, congressmen and bankers in the same room. That’s like the trifecta of lying.” – Jay Leno
“After meeting with his deficit commission today, President Obama said that it’s a lot easier to spend a dollar than it is to save one. Even the deficit commission was like, ‘Who invited grandpa?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“And the cover story of this week’s Newsweek magazine is about Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and how President Obama sends her out to crack down on misbehaving world leaders. Gee, I wonder where she learned to do that?” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is now considering giving approval for the development of a hyper-supersonic missile that can reach anywhere in the world in an hour. It’s a joint venture between the U.S. military and Domino’s Pizza.” – Jay Leno
