“They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.” – David Letterman
“Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in history. Police can now ask for your papers if they see you coming out of El Pollo Loco.” – Jay Leno
“A lot of people are boycotting Arizona Iced Tea, which is made in New York City. But that’s irrelevant to the boycott organizers — Snapple.” – Jay Leno
“It was just a crappy week for America. The oil spill making a huge mess, and Arizona deporting all the people who mop up.” – Bill Maher
“This oil spill in the Gulf keeps getting worse and worse. They’re calling it the greatest threat to New Orleans since George Bush was president.” – Jay Leno
“This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.” – Bill Maher
“The plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works there in the Gulf, they’re going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore.” – Bill Maher
“They sent specialists down there to start a controlled fire on the ocean to burn the oil off. That’s how you know when things are bad, when the ocean on fire is an improvement.” – Jay Leno
“On this day in 1789, George Washington was sworn in as first president of the United States. He is the only president that has never blamed the problems of the country on the previous administration.” – David Letterman
“New Rule: Although America likes to think it’s #1, we have to admit we’re behind the developing world in at least one thing: Their religious wackos are a lot more wacko than ours. When “South Park” got threatened last week by Islamists incensed at their depiction of Mohammed, it served – or should – as a reminder to all of us that our culture isn’t just different than one that makes death threats to cartoonists. It’s better.” – Bill Maher
“And unlike the Koran, no one here seriously considers following the bible literally – guys don’t look over their fence on Sunday morning and see a neighbor mowing the lawn and think, “Working on a Sunday? I really should kill him.” – Bill Maher
“For centuries, you either joined the church or you were killed. Nowadays when a Jehovah’s Witness comes to the door, you turn the garden hose on them.” – Bill Maher
“Timothy Geithner has presented a new $100 bill. He wanted to show it to us before we send them all to China.” – David Letterman
“Stephen Hawking says that if we try to contact aliens from outer space, they may try to colonize the planet. Didn’t Starbucks already do that?” – David Letterman
