Political Irony

“Hey, here’s some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?” – Jay Leno

“Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there’s one on eBay for 75 bucks.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn’t work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions.” – Jay Leno

“Now they’re talking about trying to clog the leak up with garbage, like tires and golf balls. You know, where are the OxiClean people? Why don’t we bring them down? Why not use the miracle cleaning power of oranges? Where are those people? Let’s get the experts in here.” – Jay Leno

“The three companies involved in the oil spill are Transocean, BP, and Halliburton. They’re all blaming the other guy. I was stunned. Oil company executives passing the buck. It was just shocking.” – Jay Leno

“Earlier today, the British Petroleum oil executives — the guys responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico — they testified before Congress. This was great. They were criticized by the same guys who approved drilling in the gulf.” – David Letterman

“Congress told BP they can’t label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence. See, Congress used that excuse for not catching the financial meltdown, so now they have to come up with their own excuse.” – Jay Leno

“But these British Petroleum executives are trying to spin this a little bit. I heard one guy say today that it’s a good thing, actually, because now when you open a clam, the hinge doesn’t squeak.” – David Letterman

“Greece has a huge economic crisis. Tourism’s down there. Government spending is up. And Greece hasn’t done anything in 2,000 years, really. I mean, other than that little to-go coffee cup in New York, there’s not a lot they’ve made.” – Jay Leno

“Greece is a relatively small country. It would be like a state over here. But it overspends, it over borrows, it promises expensive pension plans, it over-taxes, it over-regulates business. So, the state it would be here would be California.” – Jay Leno

“Google’s new Android phone is outselling Apple’s iPhone. I don’t know what an Android can do, besides dance the robot or become the governor of California.” – Craig Ferguson

“Last weekend, President Obama gave an impassioned speech against technology. And then he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.” – Craig Ferguson

“Not looking good around the world, folks. A top investment analyst says China’s economy will slow down and crash within the year. You know, they already have signs of trouble over there, too. Do you know the unemployment rate is a staggering 12 percent among 3-year-olds in China?” – Jay Leno

“Well, in announcing this Elena Kagan as his nominee for the Supreme Court, President Barack Obama characterized Kagan as a ‘trailblazing leader.’ The other Democrats said she was a wise choice because she had no paper trail.” – Jay Leno

“Well, in Colorado one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? Hey, it didn’t work when John McCain tried it.” – Jay Leno

“And our transportation secretary, a man named Ray LaHood, announced that we are going to reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Apparently they couldn’t squeeze enough people into vans anymore, so they’re going to trucks now.” – Jay Leno