“Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say, ‘Mom, put the gun down.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It was announced that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have broken up. These two have called it quits more times than Brett Favre.” – Jay Leno
“I think with the right amount of love, patience, and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin today said she has mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, she was never a big fan of Levi in the first place, but on the other hand, she had already shot the polar bear to make her daughter’s wedding dress.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Did you hear about the big Chelsea Clinton wedding? Chelsea Clinton got married in Rhinebeck, New York. It will be a big year for the community of Rhinebeck. First of all they had the Clinton wedding. They’re also hosting the Al Gore divorce.” – David Letterman
“Apparently Bill Clinton — you all remember Bubba — you know he was an emotional guy. He broke down twice at the wedding. Once during the wedding vows he broke down, started to cry. And then later when they ran out of buffalo wings.” – David Letterman
“It’s President Obama’s birthday tomorrow. He’ll be 49 years old. Yea right, if he had a birth certificate.” – David Letterman
“President Obama announced his plan to remove all combat troops from Iraq by the end of August. So thank you to all the men and women serving in Iraq and ‘Good luck in Afghanistan!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what’s left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.” – Jay Leno
“Experts in the Gulf of Mexico say they are having trouble finding the oil and they think it’s under water. They don’t call them experts for nothing. ” – David Letterman
