“Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she’s now eligible to be governor of Alaska.” – Jay Leno
“Mayor Bloomberg may join President Obama’s administration. If he does, it will cost about $3 million. They’ll have to lower every door knob in the place.” – David Letterman
“President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan.” – Jay Leno
“It’s rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one’s invited her to.” – Jimmy Fallon
“U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be ‘moderately’ corrupt. It’s the same policy we have in Congress.” – Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, “People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.’ And believe me, she knows what she’s talking about.” – Jay Leno
“The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during ‘Spongebob Squarepants.'” – Craig Ferguson
“A teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning her students masturbation as homework. What is happening to our education system? Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally.” – Jay Leno
“Rodney King has announced that he will marry one of the jurors from the trial that awarded him millions of dollars from the city of Los Angeles. If Judge Ito doesn’t preside over this, there’s something wrong with this town.” – Jimmy Kimmel
