“This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald’s is having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish.” – Jay Leno

“Apparently this is Arkansas’ version of the New Year’s Eve ball drop.” – Jay Leno

“You know why I think the birds fell out of the sky? Tweeting.” – Jay Leno

“One man claims President Obama wants to give the entire U.S. back to the Indians. That’s terrible. They might build burial mounds on top of our sacred malls.” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama says he read three books while he was on vacation. Or as Sarah Palin put it, ‘showoff.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s so cold back east, Christine O’Donnell is using her leftover campaign funds to buy a new house in Florida.” – Jay Leno

“Christine O’Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it’s a witch hunt.” – Jay Leno

“Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.” – David Letterman

“Airports are considering dumping TSA and hiring their own security. You see these TSA guys just standing around with their thumbs up our asses.” – Jay Leno

“The captain of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier has been relieved of command for appearing in raunchy videos on the ship. They are calling this the most embarrassing video involving Navy personnel since that guy from the Village People.” – Jay Leno

“We have a new governor in California. Former Gov. Jerry Brown replaces Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don’t know if I trust a governor who’s never done steroids.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Congratulations to Elton John and his partner who have a new baby. You remember two years ago when I said the Republicans would take back the House again when we have an Elton John, Jr. Also, congratulations to Ben & Jerry.” – David Letterman

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