“Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the internet back on.” – Conan O’Brien
“Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It’s like visiting your parents’ house.” – David Letterman
“Celebrities are tweeting about Egypt. Larry King has offered to go there and speak personally to the Pharaoh.” – Conan O’Brien
“The bookies have put the odds out for this weekend. The Packers are slightly favored over the Steelers and the rioters are slightly favored over President Mubarak.” – Jay Leno
“Huge riots continue in Egypt. Experts say one of the problems over there is there is a huge difference in wealth between the extremely rich and the vast majority of the people who have nothing. Thank God that could never happen in this country, huh?” – Jay Leno
“I don’t know much about politics over there (in Egypt), but I heard they broke into their national museum and destroyed some mummies. The one thing I do know is that disturbing 2,000-year-old mummies is a terrible idea. If there’s one thing Brendan Fraser has taught us, it’s that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I haven’t seen this many protestors in Cairo since the last time they announced Brendan Fraser was doing another one of those ‘Mummy’ movies.” – Jay Leno
“Happy birthday to Dick Cheney. I think he’s 70 years old. Dick celebrated by shooting a cake.” – David Letterman
“They had a party at Dick Cheney’s house and he invited 12 people to his birthday party. At midnight he told them, ‘Only 11 of you will be leaving with a heart.'” – David Letterman
“Vice President Joe Biden has suggested to people out of work to just ‘hang in there.’ What a difference two years makes: Remember ‘hope and change’? Now it’s ‘hang in there.'” – Jay Leno
“The Pentagon has announced a 3-month timetable for gays to be able to serve openly in the military. They want it so coincide with the season finale of ‘Glee.'” – Jay Leno
“John Boehner, the congressman from Ohio, is the new speaker of the House. We know that he cries. It’s some sort of enzyme problem. If he can’t find his car keys, he’ll just sit down and sob.” – David Letterman
“Bristol Palin announced she has a new boyfriend. No word yet on their new baby’s name.” – Jimmy Fallon
