“Barack Obama has finally thrown his turban into the ring. So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch.” – Stephen Colbert
“The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? “Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama said he doesn’t have time to play games with Republicans on a budget deal. Which is bad news for the new video game ‘Wii Budget Deal.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It looks like we’re heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before.” – Jay Leno
“There’s a $376 million semi-secret construction project happening at the White House, and it’s rumored that a tunnel is being built underneath. That’s a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his mother-in-law. Let the man have a cigarette.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There is a lot of speculation as to what the tunnel’s true purpose is, whether it’s for security or transportation. Or, maybe it leads directly to Oprah’s bedroom.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I think he Obama is building an underground Kenya. A new subterranean land so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.” – Jay Leno
“Fox News is dropping Glenn Beck’s show. He spent the whole day crying his eyes out, and then he heard his show was getting dropped.” – Craig Ferguson
“Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper.” – Jay Leno
“Scientists are saying that the Ozone Layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, To give idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane.” – Craig Ferguson
“Bravo is canceling ‘The Real Housewives of D.C.’ after just one season. That’s when unemployment is bad, when people who don’t even have jobs are losing their jobs.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma.” – Conan O’Brien
“I love Dick Morris. It’s as if cholesterol and bile had a baby.” – Jon Stewart
