1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Barack Obama

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority for years was enforcing U.N. resolutions in Iraq.

5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. Evolution is a lie, but get a flu shot every year because the virus evolves.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which tens of thousands die and the nation is plunged into debt is solid national policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

14. You support “Executive Privilege” for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

15. Support hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

16. You can vote to raise the debt limit as long as Obama is not President.

17. Officials should allow Christian prayer and Bible studies in schools and government buildings as a matter of Religious Freedom, but Muslims should not be allowed to build mosques or be elected to office because they practice Islam.

18. You have an argument why every one of the above is sensible and not hypocritical, and besides look at all the terrible things the Democrats may have done.

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