“Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That’s what her words are for.” – Jon Stewart
“Michele Bachmann is on the cover of the latest issue of Newsweek. Did you see the picture? That’s when you know it’s bad, when even you look surprised you’re running for president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I look at that picture and say, isn’t that a little soon to be doing a female re-make of the 40-Year-Old Virgin?” – Jon Stewart
“Newsweek is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann ‘The Queen of Rage.’ Michele says, ‘There’s only one raging queen in our household, and it’s not me.'” – Conan O’Brien
“New reports say that President Obama’s re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as ‘weird.’ They’re also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as ‘Michele Bachmann.'” – Conan O’Brien
“‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ made $54 million this weekend. It’s about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties.” – Jay Leno
“Our national credit rating was downgraded and it caused a nosedive on Wall Street. If I had any understanding of any of this, I’d be very nervous right now, but fortunately I don’t.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The United States has been downgraded, and this is how bad it is: Even Greece won’t talk to us.” – Jay Leno
“The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It’s a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.” – Jimmy Fallon
“After Monday’s 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis.” – Conan O’Brien
“Great day today! Obama didn’t speak. Congress didn’t act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There’s a lesson in there.” – Jay Leno
“There was a small fire today at President Obama’s vacation home in Martha’s Vineyard. Or as Obama told China, ‘Darn! That’s where I was keeping the $14 trillion I was about to give back! What are the odds?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction. – Jay Leno
“Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh’s chair accused him of doing the same thing.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There have been major riots in London. Apparently they realized that this is the last ‘Harry Potter’ movie.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.” – Jay Leno
“Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he’ll go from there.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, ‘I Survived Maria.’ Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, ‘I Survived ‘Twins.’ ‘End of Days’ and ‘Jingle All the Way.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she’d have if the Palins didn’t practice abstinence. The kid’s name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes.” – Conan O’Brien
“Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience.” – Jimmy Kimmel
