“For most Americans, Labor Day means a 3-day weekend, but for 9.1 percent of Americans, it’s been a 12-month weekend.” – Jay Leno
“After Labor Day, you’re supposed to put away your white clothes. I hope someone tells Moammar Gadhafi it would be bad to wave the white flag today.” – Craig Ferguson
“New statistics show the U.S. economy added 0 jobs in August. The White House cautioned Americans not to read too much into those numbers. What numbers?” – Jay Leno
“I read that a man from Illinois discovered $150,000 in his garden. Did you hear that, President Obama? A man from Illinois actually grew the economy.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Some jobs are growing: health care, solar technology and translating for our soon-to-be Chinese overlords.” – Craig Ferguson
“Apparently, Mitt Romney is planning to build a huge addition onto his beach house in California. And here’s the cool part: They’re using the same wood that they used to build Mitt Romney.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Our guests on the show are Dick Cheney and Carrot Top. That’s what happens when you let Match.com pick the guests.” – Jay Leno
“A woman in Alaska punched a bear in the face after it threatened her dog. Or as Sarah Palin put it, ‘Teach me, sensei.'” – Jimmy Fallon
