“The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn’t fit all eight of them in the bouncy house.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction.” – David Letterman
“The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.” – Jay Leno
“During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.” – Conan O’Brien
“Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses 3 more points she goes on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – David Letterman
“Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because ‘the states could do a gooder job.'” – Jay Leno
“In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.” – Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama will give a big speech on job preservation – I mean job creation.” – Jay Leno
“The speech will be translated into Spanish and Chinese so that the people who have our jobs can understand.” – Jay Leno
“Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks.” – Conan O’Brien
“To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama’s approval rating is very low. But then again, his disapproval rating is very high, so there’s a silver lining.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In what other job are you forced to hear how much people don’t like you three times a week?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin.” – David Letterman
“Homeland Security is saying you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel. I just hope they don’t stop wanding my inner thighs.” – David Letterman
“Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another 5 years before we discover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs.” – Stephen Colbert
