“Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive behavior in the ’90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his 69-9-9 plan.” – Jay Leno
“Herman Cain is having to respond to charges he once sexually harassed women. One German woman kept saying, ‘Nein! Nein! Nein!'” – Conan O’Brien
“A Fox reporter asked Herman Cain if he’d ever had to pay anyone money to settle a sexual harassment claim. Herman Cain: ‘Outside of the Restaurant Association, absolutely not.'” – Jon Stewart
“President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers.” – Jay Leno
“Trick-or-treaters came to the White House for about an hour on Saturday. Conservatives are already accusing the president of seriously depleting our country’s Tootsie Roll reserve.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“More than 3 million people from Maine to Maryland lost power because of the snowstorms over the weekend. In New York, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are thinking of changing the name to ‘I’m freezing my beard off.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Earlier tonight, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn.” – Jay Leno
“One kid wanted me to pay him $5 to give him candy. I asked who he was supposed to be. He said, ‘Bank of America.'” – Jay Leno
“I had trouble deciding on a costume today. I just thought I’d throw together whatever I had in my closet. Luckily for me, everything I had looked like something worn by Moammar Gadhafi..” – Craig Ferguson
“The U.S. is sending a surveillance blimp to Afghanistan. We just have to hope the Taliban doesn’t have that new anti-surveillance technology: Eyes.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico.” – Jay Leno
“The planet’s seven-billionth person was born today. Of the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced.” – Craig Ferguson
“British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don’t you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.” – Jay Leno
