“The Occupy Wall Street people are so angry at Mayor Bloomberg and it’s starting to look really bad for his seventh term.” – David Letterman
“In New York the Occupy Wall Street people blocked 3 subway stations today. Take that, all you fat cats who ride the subway all day. You’re next, people who use the internet at the public library.” – Craig Ferguson
“Herman Cain is being criticized for his lack of knowledge on foreign affairs, but he denies that he lacks expertise in that area. In fact, today, Cain said when he becomes president, first thing he’s going to do is go to Iraq, meet with Saddam Hussein personally, and get this whole thing worked out.” – Jay Leno
“At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, Rick Perry said that no illegal immigrants would be allowed to attend. In fact, the event was held in an overgrown backyard with nobody to park the cars, and nobody to watch the kids.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney has moved up to 40 percent in New Hampshire for two reasons: Herman Cain and Rick Perry.” – Jay Leno
“The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another. In other words, my trip back to Boston for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.” – Conan O’Brien
“The late November holiday season is a perfect time to quit smoking. What could be more stress-free than spending the holidays with your family?” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama quit smoking this year. It wasn’t easy. He had to ask the Republicans for permission first.” – Craig Ferguson
“The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: November 17, 2011: The day America gave up. I guess they figure, ‘Our approval rating is 7 percent. What the heck, let’s go down to 2 percent.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The food industry says the new rules give schools the flexibility to increase nutrition. The same way elastic waistbands give us the flexibility to keep in shape.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In a world where Kardashians are celebrities, maybe pizzas can be vegetables. And Twizzlers are a fruit.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay.” – Jay Leno
