“Rick Santorum now says he’s against separation of church and state. But he’s not against separation of sweaters and sleeves.” – David Letterman
“Rick, I’m sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him shit his pants.” – Jon Stewart
“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” – Conan O’Brien
“Now Romney and Santorum are battling over who’s more conservative. I think Santorum… he’s more conservative. This guy is so conservative, as a kid, he refused to play with an erector set.” – Jay Leno
“Santorum is so conservative he won’t go to a junkyard out of fear that he might see another man’s junk. That’s how bad.” – Jay Leno
“He won’t even blow his own soup.” – Jay Leno
“He thinks a dirty Sanchez is a quarterback for the New York Jets.” – Jay Leno
“Yeah, what a snob. Obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. Some of us weren’t handed a ticket to Harvard by being the biracial son of a single mother on food stamps. Must be nice.” – Stephen Colbert (on Rick Santorum calling Obama a snob for suggesting that kids should go to college)
“Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I’m sorry — strategic oil reserves.” – Jay Leno
“A crazy billionaire is going to give Newt Gingrich $100 million. Gingrich is so excited. He said, ‘Wow, now I can come pretty close to settling up my bill at Tiffany’s.’” – David Letterman
“The Daytona 500 was supposed to be yesterday but it was rained out. Over the weekend Mitt Romney went to Daytona. I think he was collecting motor oil for his hair.” – Craig Ferguson
“The house in Pakistan where Osama bin Laden was killed has been demolished. But not before each member of SEAL Team 6 was allowed to bring one date there.” – Conan O’Brien
