“Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off.” – David Letterman
“Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare.” – David Letterman
“The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, ‘There’s no way I’m letting the government make me go on a man date.’” – Conan O’Brien
“Rumors now that Mitt Romney might pick Rick Santorum for his VP running mate. But Rick is dubious. He thinks two guys on the same ticket might be gay.” – David Letterman
“Newt Gingrich’s campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. And for $100 you can get one without Newt.” – Conan O’Brien
“Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn’t it?” – Jay Leno
“(Monday) was Nancy Pelosi’s birthday. They had a huge surprise party for her. Actually, it was a regular party, she just always looks surprised.” – Jay Leno
