“This story just keeps getting bigger and bigger. CNN said Secret Service agents may have visited a strip club in El Salvador as well. Don’t you like that language, ‘they visited’? That’s what guys do when they go to strip clubs, they visit. ‘Hi, just visiting.’ No, you visit a hospital!” – Jay Leno
“Now allegations are coming out that the Secret Service were partying with strippers and hookers, not just in Colombia but in El Salvador, Buenos Aires, Moscow. You got to hand it to these guys. A lot of us look at the world and say, ‘F**k it.’ These people actually do it.” – Bill Maher
“Big medical news — according to the CDC, there’s been a huge increase in SSSTDs. Those are Secret Service Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Be careful.” – Jay Leno
“We’re learning more and more about that whole Secret Service sex scandal. Apparently the prostitutes in Colombia had code names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. I mentioned this the other night: the guy who kept wanting to change positions, his nickname was “Mitt.” The main guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff until later… his nickname was “Obama.” Kind of interesting.” – Jay Leno
“After appearing on our show this week, President Obama has officially become the most televised president in history. Even Ryan Seacrest is like, ‘Dude, scale it back!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It looks like the Republicans are going back to the strategy of 2008 where Obama is characterized as a celebrity. Says the party who is gay for Ronald Reagan. Come on, you can’t worship Ronald Reagan and then attack Obama for being a celebrity. That’s like running Chris Christie and saying Obama has a fat ass.” – Bill Maher
“This week Mitt Romney’s Super PAC put out a new ad that tries to ridicule Obama because he was singing Al Green. Let that be a lesson to you aspiring politicians. If you must sing on the campaign trail, make it ‘America the Beautiful,’ off key, in mom jeans.” – Bill Maher
“Romney is going to have to pick a vice president and apparently it is between Chris Christie and the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. So it’s between a Cuban American and a Cubic American.” – Bill Maher
“Mitt has to be very careful because he doesn’t want to pick a vice president who will overshadow him. So he has narrowed the field to the other guy from Wham!, DJ Jazzy Jeff, and Oates.” – Bill Maher
“Other people say that Mitt should balance the ticket by picking someone who has taken all of the opposite positions of him, like himself.” – Bill Maher
“Mitt Romney trying to compete for the youth vote told some kids that some of the places he hides his money are the same places they go to on spring break.” – Bill Maher
“A new campaign video by Barack Obama implies that Mitt Romney would not have killed Osama bin Laden if he had been president. Today Romney shot back. He said not only would he have killed bin Laden, he would have strapped him to the roof of his car and taken him on vacation with him as well.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney swept even more primaries. There was a big Mormon celebration afterward. People were drinking apple juice and eating animal crackers until nearly 9 p.m.” – Bill Maher
“Newt Gingrich is dropping out of the Republican race. People are wondering what Newt Gingrich will do. Well, right now he’s working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt Romney.” – David Letterman
“Newt Gingrich says he’s going to make an announcement on Tuesday that he’s suspending his presidential campaign. Yes, he’s letting us down gently. And also because technicians are still working on Callista to install her sad face.” – Bill Maher
“They’re calling Newt the biggest gas bag to go down since the Hindenburg.” – David Letterman
“New Rule: Let’s follow Canada, and get rid of the penny. It costs more to make than it’s worth. And we don’t need another copper-colored reminder that government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner.” – Bill Maher
“New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don’t, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask, why would the Indians launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land.” – Bill Maher
“Have you been following this sleazy John Edwards’ trial? Oh my God. I tell you, this John Edwards, I don’t think he’s learned anything from all of this. Did you see what happened today? He got one of the jurors pregnant.” – Jay Leno
“The Census Bureau reports that the number of interracial couples has increased over 40% since 2000. The most common couplings are black and white, white and Hispanic, and NBA player and Kardashian.” – Conan O’Brien
