“On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it’s a North Korean rocket.” – Jay Leno
“I know why you’re happy. Facebook went public and you’re all billionaires now. It is worth one hundred and four billion dollars. There has got to be a cheaper way to find out if your ex-girlfriend got fat.” – Bill Maher
“Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He’s renounced his U.S. citizenship because it’ll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, ‘That’s what the Cayman Islands are for.'” – Jay Leno
“According to a new poll by the New York Times, Mitt Romney now has a small lead over President Obama. Which proves once and for all that money can’t buy you happiness, but it comes in handy when you’re running for president, doesn’t it?” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They’re going to hike to the top of his money.” – David Letterman
“If I were a Republican I would be a little leery about bringing up Reverend Wright because some shocking information came in today about Romney’s pastor … he’s Mormon. Really weird stuff.” – Bill Maher
“This week Mitt Romney started giving speeches while standing in front of a giant U.S. debt clock. When asked what it was like campaigning with a large electronic object, the debt clock was like, ‘Not bad’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Romney had some bad publicity about that incident when he was a teenager and he and his gang chased down a gay kid and pinned him to the ground and cut his hair against his will. Well, it turned out that affected the polls. This week, Romney lost support from people who dislike bullies, jerks, and prep school assholes. And he picked up the endorsement of George W. Bush.” – Bill Maher
“Speaking of the Mitt Romney, there are reports that he may attend the London Olympics this summer. Romney’s psyched to watch wrestling – cuz it’s the only place where someone changes positions more than he does.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Rule: Now that Rick Santorum has endorsed Mitt Romney in the 13th paragraph of a late-night email, and George W. Bush one-upped him by endorsing him through the closing doors of an elevator, Ron Paul must top them all by scrawling the word “Mitt” on a Post-it and slipping it to reporters under a bathroom stall while taking a dump.” – Bill Maher
“Ron Paul did not endorse Mitt Romney, and this happens to a lot of people. They say his hatred for Romney comes from a phenomenon called ‘meeting him.'” – Bill Maher
“They teach that the Earth is 5,000 years old, and dinosaur fossils washed up in Noah’s flood. This is a school you flunk out of when you get the answers right.” –Bill Maher (on Mitt Romney’s speech at Liberty University)
“When you confuse a church with a school it mixes up the things you believe – religion – with the things we know – education. Then you start thinking that creationism is science, and gay aversion is psychology, and praying away hurricanes is meteorology.” – Bill Maher
”Conservatives often say that gay marriage cheapens their marriage. Well, I think a diploma from Liberty cheapens my degree from a real school.” – Bill Maher
“Our good friend Chris Matthews on MSNBC was on ‘Jeopardy’ the other day and get got his butt killed. He was so embarrassed. The good news? He got so many facts wrong today he was offered a job at Fox News.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama was on ‘The View.’ An awkward moment back stage when Elizabeth Hasselback shot him in self-defense.” – Bill Maher
“Did you see this? A spokesperson for President Obama’s campaign says that a new Republican attack ad is quote ‘B.S.’ Then Biden was like, ‘Ugh…I hate when you spell words so I can’t understand you’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The defense has rested in the John Edwards trial. The jury can now find Edwards guilty of misusing campaign funds, which is a felony, or just find him guilty of the lesser charge of misdemeanor douchebaggery.” – Jay Leno
“For the first time in our history, more minority children were born in America than white children. And today the Octomom said, ‘I’m on it.'” – Bill Maher
