[Received this from reader Mike Lee. I love it.]
From: The Office of Michael Lee, Chocowinity, NC
To: Mr. Mitt Romney, Presidential Election Trail 2012
I understand that you are looking to fill the position of Vice-President and I would like to take this opportunity to throw my hat into the ring. I expect you will find I am the perfect candidate for this position. The following are my qualifications and a sample of what I will bring to the table in a Romney success story.
Americans are tired of “Politics as usual” and “Inside the Beltway Mentality”. I am eminently qualified to help. I have absolutely no political experience whatsoever. I have zero experience at the Federal, State, or Local level. I’ve never even been to a PTA meeting.
And, as for the beltway, I can’t even find my way inside of it. I mean, come on: I-95, 195, 295, 395, 495,… I end up in Maryland… or sometimes West Virginia. Once in Idaho but that was a whole other thing.
While my inexperience could be seen as a weakness, I think you’ll find it a strength. Whenever you screw up, you can blame it on me. No one will be expecting me to know what the hell I’m doing.
My inexperience is also security for you since no one is going to want me to ascend to the Presidency. This is a Romney win-win.
You don’t want someone who will want to be in the forefront or who the media will find interesting. We want “Front Row Mitt”.
I’m a white guy with really bad hair and rosacea. The cameras will want to be on you. I hate having my picture taken so there’s no competition here.
You need someone who has been under the radar. I’m so under the radar that I have next-door neighbors who don’t know my name. Seriously, there’s been talk.
Politics and Background
I don’t know that I agree with you on every single topic but I’m sure I will if you hire me.
While I am not technically a Republican, I do live in a State which has recently made same sex marriage a crime while preserving the right of first cousins to marry. If that doesn’t scream Republican, I don’t know what does.
And, bringing a closet-republican onto the ticket shows that you are serious about ending partisan politics (wink, wink, nod, nod) and that you are willing to let “Republicans to be” come across the aisle without fear. You are magnanimous in the face of ineptitude. Kingly in a way…
So, by now, you’re asking yourself… “Just who is this incredible applicant?”. Well, I’ll tell you.
I am the founder and CEO of Lee Software Development. We have been developing software and systems solutions for the last twenty years. My company, according to the North Carolina Labor Department, is the second largest software developer in the state. Paired together, we can claim high power and high tech. And, since I am the only employee of Lee Software Development, we can also court the small business vote. Nailed it; don’t you think?
I have a BS degree in Computer Science from DeSales University (formerly Allentown College of Saint Francis DeSales which sounds more religiousy so we should probably go with that).
I have an MS degree in distribution and logistics from East Carolina University which is kind of like a state school so we can use the blue collar, everyman thing with me and the Ivy League, smart guy thing with you.
Convictions and Ideology
I am very flexible in this area.
You name the subject, pro or con, up or down, yea or nay, I’m with you:
Environment: A precious gem or a resource for profit
Education: The golden bullet or a waste of cheap labor
God: A lot of votes or the reason Democrats are going to hell
Whatever you want, Mitt. You’re the boss.
Setting the Table
So, now that I have piqued your interest, it’s time to get into the reasons that I can and will help you become the leader of the free world.
- I can bring you votes: I can claim six States as my home state. Most of them are blue. If we add that to your two States, we have eight. The opposition has, at most, three and one of them is Hawaii. I’m not sure Hawaii even has their Birth Certificate to prove they are a State. When you bring me onto the ticket I am willing to go there to look around and check it out.
I can help you prove that you are the conservative candidate, willing to cut excessive government expenses, and ready to cut the deficit. Saying you’re willing to cut spending is one thing….doing it is another. Consider the following:
- As Vice-President, I will not require expensive office space “inside the beltway”. I am willing to work from home. I intend to set precedence and be the first VP to show serious fiscal responsibility.
- I will not require a staff. My wife will probably help. I have checked with her and she is willing to go to Hawaii with me to check out this bogus statehood thing. Our dog is willing to go too and he will sit on my lap to help out on the national debt so we’ll only need two tickets. This is a whole family commitment.
- And I will not require a Secret Service detail since my wife doesn’t allow me to have prostitutes. That’s right: No Prostitutes. This is dual savings that can be passed on directly to the tax payers.
- To sum up: I will work from home, no staff and No Prostitutes.
- I am also an “Idea man”, Mitt. For example, the government already owns “Little White House” in Key West. Let me run this past you: First, my wife, my dog and I would be willing to live there (at least in the winter… it gets a little hot in the summer… but we’re flexible). Now, Mitt, you ask “What does that do?”. Let me tell you.
- We already own the joint so it’s not costing anything.
- Cuba, who we are still at war with (I keep up), is only 90 miles away. We keep a huge Navy and Coast Guard presence in Key West. We could move those military resources to other places and save money doing so. Instead, my wife and I will keep an eye out. Let’s face it, the VP doesn’t have that much to do so watching Cuba from there isn’t going to be that big of a deal. If we are out, I’m sure our dog will bark if he sees someone coming.
- There is a big Navy office building they put up between the house and the water and we’ll need to knock some or all of if down but I don’t think anything very important is there anyway. That way, we can watch from the porch.
- We could still have the house tours but the money would go to us instead of some bogus historic society. And we could have pictures with the VP for a fee. We could split it or something.
- We’ll need to get Truman’s crap out of the way. We could put it on eBay or we could have a Little White House Yard Sale. Even though a lot of it is pretty old, we could probably get some bucks and all of it could go directly to the deficit. This is just one more example of the serious fiscal responsibility of a Romney Presidency. Or we could split it or something.
I take the position of VP very seriously and am prepared to fulfill its duties to my best abilities. I want you to rest assured that I understand these duties and we see eye to eye on them. I am prepared to:
- Break all ties in the Senate: In those rare cases when the Senate vote ends in a tie, all you need to do is call me and tell me which way to vote. I will immediately call the Senate and cast the tie-breaking vote. If I am out (probably stopping an illegal’s raft coming in from Cuba), leave a voice-mail and I’ll return your call. Also, please leave the number of the Senate.
- Periodically, say ridiculously stupid things: I believe I have proven these abilities in this letter.
In addition to my other attributes, I am a singer/songwriter. I understand you have had some problems with a campaign theme and song. From what I understand, some “successful” and “accomplished” songwriters didn’t like you using their songs for your campaign. Being neither successful nor accomplished, I am ready to step in. Consider the following ideas… just off the top:
Mitt n’ Mike 2012
A New Day’s Comin’
It’s folksy and appeals to the poor people. And it’s probably true. And, if not, who cares?
Sample Campaign Lyrics:
Mitt n’ Mike, Mitt n’ Mike
You’re Gonna like Mitt n’ Mike
A New Day’s Comin’
That’s right, we’re runnin’
Mitt n’ Mike, Mitt n’ Mike
You’re Gonna like Mitt n’ Mike
My cousin Fred can make stickers and tells me we can get a pretty good discount if we move on this quickly so let me know ASAP. He can do T-Shirts too.
Thanks to Obama, I’m not really doing much of anything so I’m ready to hit the ground running. Or strolling or just sitting still quietly… whatever you want, Mitt; you’re the boss.
By now, I’m sure you’re thinking of a word. I know it’s the same word I’m thinking of. I believe that word is “synergy”. We are synergistic. My wife says it’s jackass but I don’t think jackasseristic is a word. She also tossed out “fargenhorsenassin” but I’m not Swedish so I don’t know what that means. Maybe it means synergistic in Sweden but, based on the look on her face, I don’t think so.
Anyway, call me. I’m Romnistic… or Mittastic. Just trying some things out… I’m an idea man.