“The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it’s nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.” – Conan O’Brien
“Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.” – Stephen Colbert
“Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he’s been asked to join the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping — and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!” – Stephen Colbert
“Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they’ll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.” – Conan O’Brien
“Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven’t you already lost?” – Conan O’Brien
“That’s right, free government birth control for all the ladies. So, don’t forget to reset your watches and check your calendars because it’s now whore o’clock on the first day of Skankjuary.” – Stephen Colbert
“They’re calling it the worst drought in 56 years. That seems to me unnecessarily negative. Couldn’t it be the best drought in 56 years?” – Jimmy Kimmel
