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Animals in the Zoo

[Our favorite senior citizens Margaret and Helen had this post on their blog two days after the election.]

Margaret, I ventured into new territory today. I tuned into Fox News. It was kind of like going to the zoo… not so scary once you learn the animals can’t get out of their cages.

Just like when I go to a regular zoo, I didn’t know the names of all the animals at Fox, but I quickly learned the ones with opposable thumbs and the ability to reason were token Democrats who had, at some point, worked in the Clinton administration. The ones who liked to rattle their cages and screech at the visitors were the angry Republican hacks who seemed to be, for the first time, discovering the wonders of math.

I was surprised to see so many animals that I thought were long ago extinct. There was angry, old Lou Dobbs plodding around mumbling something about voter fraud and immigrants and Mike Huckabee being all folksy and jolly. And there was Oliver North, Liz Cheney, Haley Barbour and even Geraldo Rivera who now just goes by Geraldo like Madonna, Cher and Cavuto.

Over in a corner in a cage all by himself was the red-assed Karl Rove. Now that one scares me. When they called Ohio for Obama I heard he started flinging pooh and screaming about recounts and faulty polls.

I got a chance to spot the elusive big-footed Ann Coulter which was thrilling. Since her visit to The View, she only makes appearances when no other women are in the room. She seemed pretty at ease in the zoo. I guess that comes from all the time she spent collaborating with monkeys on those personal therapy projects she calls books. Ann seemed remarkably calm considering not only the election results but also the colossal failure that was her last book. Usually she’s shrill and fidgety but sitting there in the cage with Sean Hannity she seemed almost human.

There was a lovely exhibit of irrelevant talking parrots including Shepard Smith, Greg Gutfeld, Tucker Carlson and Mr.[sic] Van Susteren. I can’t keep all of their names straight but one of them suggested that the majority of voters are like abused housewives who voted to stay with their abuser. Most of them were squawking about Hurricane Sandy and that America was about to go over a cliff. As expected, they blamed the liberal media for handing the election to Obama while simultaneously chirping that Fox is the most watched news broadcast in the nation. I know. I know. It doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense but it’s Fox News. It doesn’t have to. While I don’t think they understand the difference between Mexican-Americans and Cuban-Americans, they seem to think that any Republican politician with a name ending in O or Z will need to be on the bottom half of the ticket in 2016 if Republicans are to take the White House back.

Every zoo has its specialty and Fox is no exception. They have the largest collection of blonde, bulemic middle school girls posing as reporters with names like Megyn, Gretchen, Cheryl and Dana… many of them openly wept as the election results came in causing a river of mascara that got all over everything.

But the real treat came when I ran across that rare but ever-lovable snow beast, Sarah Palin. She’s a bit older but still very capable of smacking her lips while rattling off those non-sensical run-on sentences like “this election if it continues the way it is going will be a catastrophic setback to our economy and to any opportunity that we would have for Supreme Court justices to be appointed who would be strict adherents to the traditional interpretation of what our Constitution says which is a blueprint towards a more perfect union.” Isn’t she precious? Honestly, I was surprised to see that she had actually survived the end-of-days calamity known as the 2008 election.

Now Margaret, I don’t suggest that you visit the Fox Zoo. The lighting is bad, the air is thin, and reality is in short supply. They haven’t cleaned the cages in years so the bullshit is everywhere. Instead let me visit occasionally and send back reports. Trust me. It’s better that way.

Unlike the zoo, trips to Fox News should probably be few and far between. I mean it. Really.



  1. TimInVA wrote:

    WOW! Humor and Irony are alive and well. Margaret and Helen deserve some sort of prize for this one. IMO, it their best ever and one of the very best you have ever posted. I am going to print a hard copy and fold it tightly so I can carry it in my wallet. I will take it out and read it whenever I need to be reminded that there are sane (and funny) people in this world.

    Wednesday, November 14, 2012 at 7:34 am | Permalink
  2. Ernest Olsen wrote:

    An old song.

    Wednesday, November 14, 2012 at 11:43 am | Permalink