“There’s a petition going around asking President Obama to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday. That’s a good idea. After a long, exhausting day of sitting on the couch watching TV, I need a day off.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I have a lot of eating planned for Sunday. Hot wings. Nachos. Sausages. The inside of my stomach is going to look like a Michelle Obama nightmare.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In his farewell speech to the Senate this week, John Kerry spoke for 51 minutes about Washington being gridlocked. The cause of the gridlock? Senators giving 51-minute speeches.” – Jay Leno
“A bipartisan group of senators has unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as immigrants call that, ‘a tunnel’.” –Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll found 78% of respondents believed the planet had warmed over the past 100 years. The other 22% burst into flames.” – Stephen Colbert
“Oh, the People Who Hate You!” – a poem recited by Jon Stewart:
“They do not like you Barack Obama,
Whether on a train a, plane, or llama.
They do not like you shooting skeet,
They do not like you eating meat.
They do not like you drinking beer,
or even if you roped a steer.
They won’t like you with the monster trucks,
because, young man, they do not give a fuck.
They do not like you when you pray,
They did not like you anti-gay.
They do not like you cutting tax,
They could not stand when you wore your mommy slacks.
You cannot reach across the aisle,
‘Cause everything you do is vile.
They complained when you killed Osama!
So on a train, a plane, or a llama,
Rolling a 44 at Bowl-O-Rama,
Despite your nice white Kansas mama,
they do not like you, Barack Obama.”