“We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90 minutes – or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure.” – Conan O’Brien
“Actually, with automatic spending cuts scheduled for tomorrow, 300 illegal immigrants have been released from jail in Arizona. Or as officials put it, ‘Catch ya later’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“These automatic budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama’s new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he’ll have to be let go due to budget cuts.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k).” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn’t give the Pope his security deposit back. ” – Craig Ferguson
“He left glue on the walls from his Def Leppard posters.” – Craig Ferguson
“Today was Pope Benedict’s last day at work. Don’t be sad. All the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee’s.” – Conan O’Brien
“As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There’s a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: ‘Yes, We Vati-can.'” – Jay Leno
“Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that’s what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft.” – Jimmy Fallon
“My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter – just like ‘The Bachelor’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Did you know the Pope is a helicopter pilot? He has a helicopter pilot’s license, but never got a driver’s license. He can fly a helicopter, but he can’t drive a car — just like Jesus before him.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and Simon Cowell. He’ll say, ‘Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You’re not going to the Vatican.'” – Craig Ferguson
“The Pope spoke to 100 cardinals and said, ‘Among you is the future Pope.’ And then he said, ‘Now enter The Octagon’. They’re going to fight it out with holy relics.” – Conan O’Brien
“According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.” – Craig Ferguson
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Izzit just me, or are there NO funny pope jokes? And what’s up with that?!
“As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there’s just no room for advancement. It’s a dead-end job.” –Jay Leno (best Leno joke in a long time)
Back ten centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Muslims had to leave Jerusalem. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Muslim community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all the Muslims could stay. If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to leave.
The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mullah looked back at him and raised his middle finger..
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Mullah Nasruddin pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Mullah pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, ‘I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims can stay.’
An hour later, the cardials were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and stamping on it, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the Mullah in total astonishmen. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,”said the Mullah, “First he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims. I said none of us leaving this land!”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“He took out his lunch and I took out mine,” said the Mullah.
ARR, are you saying that there are no jokes about funny popes, or no funny jokes about popes? 🙂
heh heh
If life begins at conception…..
If corporations are people…….
When does their life begin?
Is closing a corporation murder or euthenasia?
Have the made that legal?