“A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. I just have to say that that’s an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot.” – Conan O’Brien
“The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat the president warned us about. One of the reasons Al Qaeda is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn’t have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid.” – Jay Leno
“The Secret Service is asking people on Twitter to report any suspicious tweets. So now if your boss catches you on Twitter, just tell him you’re protecting the country.” – Conan O’Brien
“Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the ‘Hypocritic Oath’.” – Jay Leno
“The Mars rover Curiosity is celebrating its first anniversary on Mars. So far, in the year it’s been up there it’s sent back 70,000 photos. I know that sounds like a lot, but it’s still less than Anthony Weiner sent out.” – Jay Leno
