“After the president’s State of the Union address, there will be three separate Republican rebuttals. Obama said, ‘Yeah, I live with two daughters, my wife and my mother-in-law. Three people telling me I’m wrong is a holiday.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Tomorrow night, President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address. Aides say he won’t mention the war on drugs because he’s still not sure which side he’s on.” – Jay Leno
“They say the threat of terrorism at the Sochi winter games is very high right now and it’s pretty scary. In fact, it’s so dangerous over there right now that today NBC asked me to go as a correspondent.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama announced today that America’s No. 1 domestic terrorist has been apprehended. They finally arrested Justin Bieber, ladies and gentlemen. He is in custody. We don’t have to live in fear anymore.” – Jay Leno
“Justin Bieber was arrested in Florida for drag racing. There are so many questions I have, what is wrong with this kid? Why drag racing? What was he doing in Florida? And where is George Zimmerman when you need him?” – Bill Maher
“The Pope announced that he is coming to the United States. How about that? The purpose of this visit is to perform an exorcism on Justin Bieber.” – Jay Leno
“This week in his inaugural address, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spoke of wanting to bring the people of New Jersey together. He wanted to bring them together by having them all try to merge into one lane.” – Jay Leno
“MSNBC has come under fire for creating its own Chris Christie attack ad. However, later it turned out to be just an ad for Jenny Craig.” – Conan O’Brien
“We have Mitt Romney on the show tonight. We made him our first guest – you know, because he’s still a little sensitive about coming in second.” – Jimmy Fallon
[Thursday was Jay Leno’s last night as host of the Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon now takes over.]
