“Halloween is just a few days away and the Obamas have invited children to go trick-or-treating at the White House on Friday. It will be fun until the Secret Service tackles a kid and says, ‘We finally got one. He’s dressed like a ninja turtle and tried to get in here.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over the weekend another guy jumped the fence at the White House. This time he was tackled by three security guards. They released him and then later in the day he was signed by the Jets.” – David Letterman
“If you think there’s a lot of people trying to get into the White House now, just wait about a year.” – David Letterman
“Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said today that he has not yet decided whether he will run for president in 2016 — at which point Hillary Clinton took her foot off of his neck.” – Seth Meyers
“Vladimir Putin announced he’s abolishing daylight saving time. He said he doesn’t want to set Russian clocks back. I will say this: He’s done a pretty good job of setting the Russian calendar back — to about 1983.” – Craig Ferguson
“Now that Putin’s gotten rid of daylight savings, it’s just a matter of time before he decides to get rid of daylight altogether.” – Craig Ferguson
“North Korean leader Kim Jong Un visited an orphanage over the weekend. Well actually, it wasn’t an orphanage when he got there.” – Seth Meyers
“Mayor de Blasio said New Yorkers will not get Ebola from riding the subway. He said, ‘Let’s focus on actual things you might catch on the subway. There’s the SARS virus, bird flu, rat flu, West Nile, East Nile — plenty to choose from. Ebola’s way down the list.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new report claims that by the year 2020 the marijuana industry could be bigger than the NFL. Either way, it’s a good time to be in the couch business.” – Conan O’Brien
“Before the World Series game last night, Aaron Lewis from the band Staind botched the National Anthem. To make things worse he started the song with, ‘Are you ready for some football?'” – Conan O’Brien
