“President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, ‘Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton is trying to get the young vote. She’s doing her best to win over millennials. Hillary’s telling millennials if all goes well, she too plans to move back into the home where she lived in the 1990s.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new poll found that almost 70 percent of voters say that whoever our next president is, they must have political experience. You know, because it would be rude to say ‘anyone but Donald Trump.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former Texas Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that knowing what we know now, he would not have invaded Iraq. Mostly because ‘what we know now’ is that Rick Perry will never be president.” – Seth Meyers
“A new survey came out and Washington, D.C., has been named the fittest city in the country. And it makes sense. Just think of all of the exercise they get running for re-election, walking back statements, dodging questions, and jumping to conclusions. That’s all cardio.” – Seth Meyers
“Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We’ll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.” – David Letterman
“A lot of people think I’m retiring, but I’ve been telling a fib. I’ve been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation. ” – David Letterman
“Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I’ll be Goggling ‘foods that improve prostate health’.” – David Letterman
