“Tonight’s Republican debate took place in Colorado, where marijuana is legal. Which explains why every single question from the audience was, ‘Where am I?'” – Conan O’Brien
“I haven’t been able to watch tonight’s Republican debate yet, but I’m excited to see the face-off between the party’s biggest opponents: Carson and staying awake.” – Stephen Colbert
“Tonight was the World Series and the Republican debate. In other words, two events with completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants.” – Conan O’Brien
“Meanwhile, the other big competition from Boulder, Colorado, another Republican presidential debate on CNBC. Do we learn anything from these debates? The only thing voters might learn is CNBC is a channel.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Like a lot of New Yorkers, I am a little tired and pissed off this morning. I’m guessing a lot of you flipped over from the third Republican debate. I don’t know what happened yet because we taped this at 5:30, but I am super excited about the brand new Republican front-runner, retired neurosurgeon and current tired person Ben Carson.” – Stephen Colbert
“It’s been a great time for him. This surgeon is surging in the polls, 26 percent, ahead of Donald Trump’s 22 percent. The other 52 percent, of course, is going to the other 52 candidates.” – Stephen Colbert
“The two front-runners: Ben Carson, who doesn’t believe in evolution; and Donald Trump, who kind of proves his point.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Carson’s strongest support comes from evangelical Christians, a group that Donald Trump has had real trouble with, evidently. People who read the Bible just don’t want to follow someone who looks that much like a golden calf.” – Stephen Colbert
“On Monday, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump. Tyson joins Trump’s biggest group of supporters: ‘People Who Have Been Hit in the Head a Lot’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Earlier this week Donald received the endorsement of one of America’s great political minds. Remember, Mike Tyson once bit a man’s ear off on national television — and endorsing Donald Trump is the craziest thing he has ever done.” – James Corden
“But Tyson isn’t the only celebrity endorsing Trump. He’s also been endorsed by Kirstie Alley, Gary Busey, Dennis Rodman, and Hulk Hogan, which sounds like a season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’.” – James Corden
“Yesterday, Donald Trump told the crowd in Iowa, ‘I am a great Christian.’ If you have to tell people you’re a great Christian, you might not be a great Christian. Jesus said it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God. Which is why Donald Trump is now currently working on plans to build an enormous needle.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump said yesterday to supporters, ‘If I lose Iowa, I will never speak to you people again.’ He added, ‘But if I win, I will never speak to you people again.'” – Seth Meyers
“Republican candidate Mike Huckabee has earned endorsements from several members of the Duggar family. And that is a smart political move, since nearly 40 percent of Republican voters are actually members of the Duggar family.” – James Corden
“Bernie Sanders has received an endorsement from Justin Long, the actor who famously played a ‘Mac’ in those old Apple commercials. The endorsement meant so much to Bernie, he’s thinking of switching over to a Mac from his current computer, a yellow legal pad.” – James Corden
