[Jokes from April 26, 2016]
“Happy birthday to Melania Trump, who turned 46 today. She spent her birthday like she always does — telling Donald that she’s 23.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves ‘Women’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Lena Dunham, star of the HBO show ‘Girls’, threatened to move to Vancouver if Trump became president. Trump said, ‘Well, she’s a ‘B’ actor and, you know, has no mojo.’ I can’t believe Trump snapped back about Lena Dunham. Usually, he just ignores that kind of stuff and gracefully moves on.” – James Corden
“Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a loose cannon and said, ‘Loose cannons tend to misfire.’ Trump was like, ‘My cannon works just fine, I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I’ve already discussed this.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his ‘country club’ lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, ‘Is it?!'” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump is now making fun of what he calls John Kasich’s ‘disgusting’ table manners. As an example, Trump named Kasich’s gross habit of having dinner with a wife who’s about his own age.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s the sequel to Super Tuesday 3. There were primaries in five states. I feel like we’ve had primaries in some of these states — didn’t we do Connecticut already? I was interested to find out who won, but what I’m more interested in is to see what new way the losers will explain why they still have a chance tomorrow.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Of course, the biggest loser is us. We have six more months of this.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today was Super Tuesday where states like Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Delaware hold their primaries. Seriously, we have to stop calling these Super Tuesdays. Nothing super has ever happened on a Tuesday in Delaware.” – James Corden
“Today was another big day for the election. There were five different primaries in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, ‘Why, those just happen to be my five favorite states!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were favored to sweep today’s primaries in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. And John Kasich is still polling very high in the state of denial.” – Seth Meyers
“The polls said Donald Trump was going to steam-roll his rivals in Pennsylvania, and he did. Next, he’s going to build a hotel on top of them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Ted Cruz and John Kasich made a pact so they would each have a better chance of stopping Donald Trump from getting the delegates he needs. It’s a halfhearted alliance between two guys who don’t like each other. Somehow Donald Trump has turned this into an episode of ‘The Apprentice’. This is exactly what Gary Busey and Meatloaf would do.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In a new interview, Ted Cruz said, ‘I’ve changed a lot of diapers.’ After hearing this, Bernie Sanders made him his running mate.” – Conan O’Brien
