[Jokes from May 11, 2016]
“Yesterday on ‘Good Morning America,’ Joe Biden said he is ‘confident’ that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee. Then he said, ‘Of course, I also bet against the Mighty Ducks in all three movies, so what do I know?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll shows Hillary Clinton just one point ahead of Donald Trump nationally. And now Canada is thinking about building a wall.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton could lose all the remaining primaries and she’ll still get the nomination, but at this point Bernie has a better chance of being drafted by an NBA team than being the nominee.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Speaking of old people surrounded by screaming young people, Bernie Sanders won the primary last night. For a guy with no chance of winning, he sure does seem to win a lot.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump is still out there taking aim and most recently, Trump gave Bernie Sanders a nickname. Now we have Crazy Bernie, Lyin’ Ted, Little Rubio and Crooked Hillary — it’s like the Spice Girls.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump won last night’s Nebraska Republican primary with 61% of the vote. Which is impressive until you remember he’s the only one left running.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump also dominated last night’s West Virginia Republican primary with 76% of the vote. Trump told the press that he did really well with black voters, but it turned out they were just coal miners.” – Seth Meyers
“NASA scientists have discovered over 1,200 planets that are possibly habitable — where humans could live. In other words, if Donald Trump does become president, Canada’s not your only option.”” – Conan O’Brien
“Paul Ryan and Ted Cruz are saying they’re not ready to support Donald Trump. What do you have to do to get ready to support someone? Is it like getting a wax?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump said this morning that he will not be changing his tone as he gears up for the general election, and said, quote, ‘You win the pennant, and now you’re in the World Series. You gonna change?’ Well, it depends. Did you win the pennant because you’re really good, or because your division stinks?” – Seth Meyers
