Electoral Vote imagines what the first debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will be like. Basically, it is going to be both of them trying to unnerve the other. Here’s what they think it will be like:
Moderator: How will you bring unemployment down to 4%?
Trump: Hire people to build a wall. But the real issue is: Hillary, why does Bill prefer Monica to you? Is it her technique, or what?
Clinton: Hire people to repair our potholed roads and rusting bridges. But I won’t use companies that go bankrupt over and over and over like Donald’s. Bill Gates never went bankrupt. Steve Jobs never went bankrupt. Only third-rate losers with stubby fingers like Donald keep failing time and again.
Moderator: What will you do to make sure all Americans have broadband Internet?
Trump: Make great deals with AT&T and Verizon and I will order them to make sure all their email servers are secure, unlike Hillary’s, so our national security is not endangered.
Clinton: I’d copy FDR’s 1936 Rural Electrification Act, PL 74-605, also known as 49 STAT 1363. I certainly won’t be hiring guys like Paul Manafort, who are in cahoots with the Russians, to be involved and endanger our national security.
Moderator: What is your tax policy?
Trump: My tax returns are being audited so I won’t release them, but I am considering a special tax on crooked people like Hillary who make a fortune giving speeches to companies like Goldman Sachs.
Clinton: I have released my tax returns from 1977 to 2015. I would support a law requiring presidential candidates to release 30 years of tax returns so candidates like Donald couldn’t claim to be rich when they are actually up to their ears in debt to China.
Moderator: What are your views on racial justice?
Trump: All Lives Matter. Some of my best friends are black and I find it disgusting that Hillary’s mentor, Robert Byrd, was a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
Clinton: Black Lives Matter. Not only is Donald a bigot himself, but his top hire was Stephen Bannon, who has turned his anti-Semitism into a career.
Moderator: What is your position on torture?
Trump: If we catch ISIS fighters, I’d cut off their [bleep], put them in a blender, and force feed them to the ISIS cowards. If Hillary wins, the American people will be subjected to 4 years of torture listening to her dreadful cackle. I oppose that.
Clinton: I’ll bet (but less than $10,000) that 50 South American monkeys were tortured when someonoe ripped off their fur to make that thing on top of Donald’s head. I oppose torturing people and animals.