[Jokes from Sept. 15, 2016]
“We have Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on the show tonight, which means security is very tight. On their way in, everyone in the audience had to put their keys into a tray and their deplorables into a basket.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s been a busy week for Trump. Earlier today, he appeared on ‘Dr. Oz’ and said that he wants to lose about 15 pounds. And his barber said, ‘Hey, come by any time you like!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump admitted to Dr. Oz that he is overweight, loves fast food, and doesn’t exercise. In a related story, Trump just won Wisconsin.” – Conan O’Brien
“The White House has announced that America will accept 110,000 refugees next year. Meanwhile, Canada announced if Donald Trump wins, they’ll accept 110 million refugees.” – Conan O’Brien
“During a campaign rally yesterday, Donald Trump said, ‘You think Hillary Clinton could stand up here for an hour?’ Then he debuted his new campaign slogan, ‘I Can Stand Up for an Hour.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue of Women’s Health magazine. While next month she’ll be featured in ‘Bad Timing’ magazine.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Recent polling has shown that Hillary Clinton’s lead over Donald Trump has almost totally disappeared and the candidates are basically tied. They’re neck and neck. Well, for Hillary it’s the neck. For Trump it’s more like a gizzard thing.” – James Corden
“Everybody’s talking about these leaked emails from former Secretary of State Colin Powell. In one, he actually called Dick Cheney an idiot. Cheney was very hurt. In fact, he said the comments broke his latest heart.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ivanka Trump abruptly ended an interview with Cosmopolitan magazine because she felt the questions were ‘unfair’. Of course it’s understandable, most of us wither under the intense political grilling of Cosmopolitan magazine.” – Conan O’Brien
“Ivanka Trump cut short an interview with Cosmo because of what she said was all the ‘negativity’. Which is weird because all the interviewer said was, ‘So, your dad is Donald Trump, right?'” – Conan O’Brien
“We’ve been hearing a lot recently about Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. But there is finally another politician in the news, because former President George W. Bush announced today that he is releasing a book of his paintings.” – James Corden
“This week a study was released by the World Health Organization showing that the United States is the third most depressing country in the world after India and China. When Americans heard the news they were like, ‘Oh, we only got third?'” – James Corden
