[Jokes from Dec. 6, 2016]
“This week, Donald Trump is going to North Carolina, Iowa, and Michigan — all states that voted for him — for his ‘Thank You’ tour. Then, he comes here to California for the ‘You’re Dead to Me’ tour.” – Conan O’Brien
“Does Trump think Twitter is like Siri for the presidency? ‘Twitter: Cancel plane order! Twitter: Appoint someone secretary of state! Twitter: [Tick] off the Chinese for me!'” – James Corden
“Donald Trump is reportedly considering a fast-food CEO for labor secretary. ‘Oh, I’m not the Burger King,’ said Newt Gingrich.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump has yet to pick a secretary of state. Right now it’s between Mitt Romney and a guy spinning a sign in front of a ‘we buy gold’ shop.” – Conan O’Brien
“Vice President-elect Mike Pence attended the New York Jets game at MetLife Stadium, where the Jets lost 41-10. Pence heard so much booing, he thought he was seeing ‘Hamilton’ again.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Cleveland Cavaliers have announced that nearly half of their players will not stay at a Trump hotel in New York out of protest. And just to drive the point home, they’re going to stay in the woods with Hillary Clinton.” – Seth Meyers
“Yesterday, Joe Biden said he’s not completely ruling out running for president in 2020, and even said ‘what the hell’. When asked what his campaign slogan would be, Biden said, ‘I just told you — ‘what the hell’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President Joe Biden said yesterday that he may run for office in 2020 telling reporters, ‘What the hell, man.’ I don’t know how to tell you this, Joe, but we already elected ‘what-the-hell man’.” – Seth Meyers
“According to a new poll, only 19% of New Jersey residents approve of their governor, Chris Christie. And they’re all restaurant owners.” – Conan O’Brien
“Gov. Chris Christie currently has a 19 percent approval rating in New Jersey. The only thing less popular in New Jersey is the top button.” – Seth Meyers
“The finalists for Time’s Person of the Year include Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Mark Zuckerberg, Vladimir Putin, and Beyoncé. Putin was like, ‘Most of group is weak. But even I cannot compete with Queen Bey!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House just announced a new program to teach computer science to more American schoolchildren. They say if it goes well, one day America will be able to hack its OWN election.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Supreme Court has ruled that Samsung did not violate Apple’s patent on smartphone technology. The justices said, ‘It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Today in 1884, the Washington Monument was completed, and if George Washington were here today to see it he would probably say, ‘That looks nothing like me.'” – Seth Meyers
“House Speaker Paul Ryan lit the Capitol Christmas tree today. It’s the first time anything involving Paul Ryan could be described as lit.” – Seth Meyers
