[Jokes from Dec. 8, 2016]
“For his secretary of labor, President-elect Trump has picked an executive from the fast food restaurants Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. Afterwards, Trump admitted he made the choice on an empty stomach.” – Conan O’Brien
“Check one’s calendar because right now we are 43 days from the inauguration, and Donald Trump continues to fill out his Cabinet. Watching Trump pick these people is like watching your Nana get a sponge bath — you know it has to be done, but it’s upsetting.” – Stephen Colbert
“Yesterday, Trump named Scott Pruitt, Oklahoma attorney general and sworn enemy of the EPA, to be the head of the — what’s the word? — the EPA. I would change my phone number, or else he’s going to get some pretty angry calls from himself.” – Stephen Colbert
“So, what kind of EPA head will Pruitt be? Well, he’s repeatedly explained that he thinks the states are in the best position to regulate local industries. Makes sense. If Missouri dumps chemicals into the Mississippi River, they just tell those chemicals, ‘Remember, you stop at the Arkansas state line.” – Stephen Colbert
“There is a trend of Trump appointing people to head things they’re against. I’m looking forward to Surgeon General Joe Camel.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump’s team is reportedly desperate for an A-list celebrity to perform at his inauguration, with one official saying they can ‘do better than Kid Rock.’ Besides, Kid Rock is going to be too busy with his new job as secretary of state.” – Seth Meyers
“Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters today that Donald Trump is a huge Elton John fan. ‘That can be cured,’ said Mike Pence.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said she cannot take a position in the Trump administration because she has four young children. She said, ‘This would mean taking care of one more.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump this weekend will give his first Sunday morning news interview since the election, and it’s a big sacrifice for him because Sunday morning is usually when he tweets about ‘Saturday Night Live’.” – Seth Meyers
“During Trump’s Sunday morning news interview, he is expected to discuss the agenda for his first 100 days in office. Trump was like, ‘Wait, I have to be president for a hundred days?'” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton made her first public appearance on Capitol Hill since that whole election thing today. She was in town to honor outgoing Nevada Sen. Harry Reid and, what an impression. She showed up in black leather from head to toe, like Olivia Newton-John in the final scene of ‘Grease.’ Incredible.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Everyone’s OK, but this morning, a 6.5-magnitude earthquake hit California’s prime marijuana-growing county. Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer.” – Conan O’Brien
