[Jokes from Jan. 17, 2017]
“Donald Trump will be sworn in as president this Friday at 12 noon. That’s when the big hand is on the 12, and the little hand is on the Bible.” – Seth Meyers
“We are just three days away from Donald Trump’s inauguration, and just two days away from all those time travelers coming back to stop him. Or not.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump’s inaugural committee is actually encouraging protesters to show up on Friday, saying, quote, ‘We’ll give you cookies and Kool-Aid.’ Then Republicans in Congress were like, ‘Actually, we drank all the Kool-Aid.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s expected to rain in Washington during Donald Trump’s inauguration. In response, Donald Trump tweeted, ‘The sky is rigged.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Evidently, any bad news for Trump is rigged. If it rains on Inauguration Day, he’ll tweet, ‘Fake weather. Clouds are rigged. Apologize!'” – Stephen Colbert
“It was announced that the B Street Band — a Bruce Springsteen cover band — that was booked for an inauguration gala has since decided to cancel out of respect for Springsteen’s opposition to Donald Trump. You know it’s bad when even a cover band is like, ‘We don’t want to compromise our artistic integrity like that.'” – James Corden
“Maybe a Springsteen cover band canceling is all for the best. ‘Born in the USA’ would have been an insensitive song to play at a party celebrating a campaign that was actually born in Russia.” – James Corden
“It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Just a word of advice to the Trump seat-fillers: Make sure you get paid up front, OK? Get the cash.” – Conan O’Brien
“The celebrities attending are so non-famous, they’d probably get cast on ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” – James Corden
“Donald Trump said after he’s sworn into office on Friday, he’s going to take the weekend off. Unless, of course, he has to deal with a national emergency or a ‘Saturday Night Live’ sketch. It could go either way.” – Conan O’Brien
“So Trump might want to put in some more hours just to get his popularity up. He’s got the lowest approval rating of any incoming president in modern history. But, hey, it’s not a popularity contest. And neither was the election.” – Stephen Colbert
“Right now, Donald Trump has 40 percent favorable, whereas on his Inauguration Day, Barack Obama’s favorability rating was 79 percent. But he was the first black president, and if America’s known for anything, it’s giving black men the benefit of the doubt.” – Stephen Colbert
“Even Trump’s staunchest supporters are starting to have doubts because, evidently, white nationalists are already losing faith in the president-elect. That is so sad. I mean, they’ve gone from ‘Heil!’ to ‘Huh?'” – Stephen Colbert
“Today was first lady Michelle Obama’s birthday. And for the eighth year in a row, an overexcited Joe Biden blew out her candles.” – Seth Meyers
