[Jokes from Mar. 1, 2017]
President Trump gave his big address to Congress last night. But it was surprising — he didn’t trash the media or brag about winning the election. It was the first time people playing a Trump drinking game ended up sober. – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump gave his first speech to a joint session of Congress last night, and good news, everybody, he’s normal now! So our work here is done. When you tune in tomorrow night, this will be a cooking show. – Seth Meyers
Trump’s speech is actually getting pretty good reviews. In fact, a CNN poll found that 69 percent of viewers approved of Trump’s speech. Yeah, 69. Trump called the number impressive, while Mike Pence called it inappropriate. – Jimmy Fallon
Antarctica reported its highest temperature in history at 64 degrees, and there was a blizzard warning in Hawaii. And to top it off, last night, Donald Trump gave a speech and sounded reasonable. – Conan O’Brien
But not everyone was impressed. In fact, many Democrats actually rushed out at the end of Trump’s address. Most were annoyed by Trump’s speech, while Bernie Sanders said, “Drinking a Big Gulp right before was NOT a good idea.” – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump last night announced the creation of a department called “VOICE”, which will deal specifically with crimes committed against Americans by immigrants. Not to be confused with “The Voice”, which deals with crimes against music committed by teenagers. – Seth Meyers
Disney announced that it’s featuring its first openly gay character in the upcoming live-action film “Beauty and the Beast”. Which explains why they’re changing the title of the movie to “Beauty and Her Longtime Roommate Janine.” – Conan O’Brien
Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That’s right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent. – Seth Meyers
A man in Austria yesterday tried to enter a court with a bag of cockroaches. “Get those horrible creatures out of here!” said the cockroaches about the lawyers. – Seth Meyers
In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test. – Conan O’Brien
Papa John’s is testing a new system that lets customers pay $3 to skip the line and get faster pizza delivery. And for $6, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car. – Jimmy Fallon
In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it. – Conan O’Brien
