[jokes from Mar. 20, 2017]
Today is the first day of spring! Yep, it’s that day when millions of Americans look at their bodies in the mirror and ask, “Can we get, like, two more months of winter?” – Jimmy Fallon
It’s the first day of spring. Spring has sprung, so congratulations to the people of Nebraska, who survived winter. Now all you’ve got to do is get through severe thunderstorm and tornado season. – James Corden
Of course springtime means spring cleaning, and a lot of people are throwing out things they no longer need. You know – like clothing, old books and March Madness brackets. – Jimmy Fallon
South Carolina pulled off a huge upset by beating Duke to move on to the Sweet 16. Now the only question is whether Russia helped. – Jimmy Fallon
There were actually several March Madness upsets this weekend, with Wisconsin taking out top overall seed Villanova, and Michigan beating Louisville. I haven’t seen Wisconsin and Michigan knock out the favorite since … the election. – Jimmy Fallon
One place where things aren’t getting warmer is at the White House, where on Friday Donald Trump met with German Chancellor Angela Merkel and appeared to ignore requests for a handshake with her. [Plays clip] They don’t look like two world leaders. They look two people at a divorce hearing. – James Corden
Some critics are calling this sexist, other people are saying it is because Trump is a germaphobe, others say he is just rude. I’m like: Guys, it’s all of the above. – James Corden
It’s come out that President Trump said he wants the border wall to be very tall and very attractive. He also wants to replace the wall after 10 years of marriage. – Conan O’Brien
Plans for the border wall continue and on Sunday, Fox News reported several requirements that the White House issued for the wall. They said it must be 30 feet high, good-looking from the U.S. side, and difficult to break through. Basically the wall should be tall but not fat or ugly. – James Corden
It’s pretty much like Trump updated the Miss Universe regulations and just made them about the wall. – James Corden
Over the last week, the White House has had three security scares. The Secret Service said two people tried to break in, and one first lady tried to break out. – Conan O’Brien
A man claims that this weekend, he snuck past Secret Service at Mar-a-Lago to take a selfie in President Trump’s private study. But Trump is denying this, saying there is no way he’d ever have a study. – Jimmy Fallon
Last week, President Trump released his first budget. They’re calling it a hard-power budget because it features a $54 billion increase in military spending, and to pay for the new spending, Trump is cutting everything else, like the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which funds PBS. Look, Trump’s a real-estate developer. It was only a matter of time until he put up condos on Sesame Street. – Stephen Colbert
Trump is also eliminating the National Endowment for the Arts and the National Endowment for the Humanities. I am not surprised, because he is jealous of anyone who is well-endowed. – Stephen Colbert
Plus, Trump is slashing the EPA’s budget by 31 percent, and the Great Lakes Restoration Initiative, which fights invasive species like the sea lamprey, could see its funding slashed by 97 percent. If you’re not familiar with the sea lamprey, you might know it as the vicious, flesh-eating hell beast from your worst nightmares. Or as Steve Bannon calls it, “my mentor”. – Stephen Colbert
Trump’s approval rating is down to 37 percent. Bill Clinton had to do weird stuff with cigars to get it to 37 percent. Trump has the highest low approval rating of any president ever. – Jimmy Kimmel
He met with Bill Gates today. It was a historic meeting — America’s two worst haircuts in the Oval Office together for the first time. – Jimmy Kimmel
They reportedly talked about their shared commitment to finding and stopping disease outbreaks around the world. You know, that’s great. But if Bill Gates wanted to do some good he should have grabbed Trump’s phone and locked him out of his Twitter account. – Jimmy Kimmel
James Comey said today that he has found “no information that supports” President Trump’s tweets that former President Obama wiretapped Trump Tower. Added Comey, “To be fair, the only place we’ve checked is in Hillary’s emails.” – Seth Meyers
It has come out that, just like President Trump, even George Washington used to complain about leaks. There was that time Washington said of Paul Revere, “Fake horseman dead wrong about British arrival. Sad!” – Conan O’Brien
A Moscow zoo is suing a company that hired one of its raccoons to appear in a commercial, saying that when the animal returned it was “attracted to women’s breasts.” Or as Mike Pence calls it, “a successful conversion.” – Seth Meyers
A hospital in Britain will be the first permitted to create babies with three biological parents. It’s being called the weirdest experiment in British genetics since the entire royal family. – Conan O’Brien
A Canadian woman last week proposed to her boyfriend at a hockey game with a bouquet of Doritos made to look like roses. It even spawned a new flavor — Nacho Boyfriend Anymore. – Seth Meyers
