[Jokes from Jun 6, 2017]
A highly classified document was just leaked, and it suggests that Russia may have hacked into our voting systems before the election. You could tell the report was “highly classified” because it was marked, “Don’t Show Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon
The NSA contractor who leaked the document is a woman named Reality Winner. When he was asked if he had any contact with the leaker, Trump said, “Nope, I’m TOTALLY out of touch with Reality.” – Jimmy Fallon
Now, all along, Donald Trump has said the entire Russia story is “fake news”. And there is no way to know whether this document that was released was real … other than the fact that the leaker was immediately arrested. “Fake news, real prison.” – Stephen Colbert
The Department of Justice charged a federal contractor named Reality Leigh Winner yesterday with leaking classified materials to the press about Russia’s meddling in the election. This is a confusing story, so let me try to break it down: Reality Winner leaked information about a reality denier who tried to influence the election to support a reality host who is detached from reality. – Seth Meyers
A top-secret NSA report detailed Russian hacking efforts days before the 2016 election. Days before? Come on, Guccifer. That’s poor planning. You can’t leave your hacking to the last minute. Put some thought into it. No one wants an election you just picked up at Walgreens. – Stephen Colbert
It turns out Russia actually hacked the company that makes our voting machines. Which explains why anyone who pressed on “Hillary Clinton” heard a voice go “Try again”. – Jimmy Fallon
After the hackers gained access to the company’s accounts, they then sent “an email to trick local U.S. government employees into opening documents that were ‘invisibly tainted with potent malware’.” OK, they sent it to the poll workers. This is how democracy ends, with a fake email sent to the ancient cat lady manning the polling station at your high school gym. – Stephen Colbert
According to reports, four top law firms have turned down requests from the White House to represent President Trump during the Russia investigation. Man, how guilty do have you to be when a lawyer won’t even take your case? – Seth Meyers
So who really knows who won November 8? I mean, other than Vladimir Putin. I’m a little rusty on my Constitution, but I guess that means … new election? Sure, let’s have another one! Let’s just get the band back together. Somebody find Jeb and wake him up. – Stephen Colbert
A new study found that kids are bullying each other with Donald Trump’s words. The good news is, most kids outgrow Trump’s vocabulary by the time they’re 11. – Conan O’Brien
Trump’s been causing a lot of problems with the things he’s tweeted recently, but the White House says he isn’t concerned with being politically correct. Then they clarified their statement and said he isn’t even concerned about being correct. – Jimmy Fallon
A new report came out and it says that Donald Trump once shifted charitable donations for sick kids into his own business. Trump referred to the charity as the “Take a Wish Foundation”. – Conan O’Brien
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that while schools receiving federal funds must abide by federal civil rights laws, the department will not enter decrees on things like LGBT discrimination. Coincidentally, LGBT is also how Betsy DeVos thinks you spell discrimination. – Seth Meyers
It’s nice to be here in England. After two and a half years of presidential campaigning in America, I was, like, “Where can I go for another bitter, soul-sucking election?” – James Corden
We are here in the beautiful historic Central Hall Westminster. There is so much amazing history in this building. Gandhi spoke here, Martin Luther King, Jr. gave a speech here, and Winston Churchill spoke in this very hall. And despite all that, they still allowed me to do a show here. – James Corden
Yes, there’s a big election coming up this week in the U.K. Actually, this venue is going to be a polling station. Raise your hand if you didn’t even know there was going to be a show here tonight, you were just trying to beat the lines. – James Corden
We talk about Donald Trump almost every night on this show, but I thought when I came here to London I’d finally get away from him for a little while. And then I get here, and who does he start a fight with? The mayor of London! While I’m in the city! He’s following me! – James Corden
Following salmonella outbreaks across the country, the Centers for Disease Control is urging chicken owners to stop snuggling with their birds. Though if you’re snuggling with chickens, salmonella is, like, your fifth biggest problem. – Seth Meyers
There’s a proposed bill in New York that would allow medical marijuana to be prescribed for menstrual cramps. Which is why millions of men in New York are now saying “It is my time of the month.” – Conan O’Brien
The owner of the world’s largest private collection of “Star Wars” memorabilia says someone stole $200,000 worth of his collectibles. On the plus side, the collector is reporting that his virginity is still in “mint condition”. – Conan O’Brien
The game show “Cash Cab” is coming back to the Discovery Channel! It’s a show where the driver asks passengers questions from the second they get into the car until they reach their destination — or as it’s called now, “Uber”. – Jimmy Fallon
Astronomers are saying that a mysterious signal from space was caused by gas surrounding a comet. Of course, the comet is claiming the gas came from its dog. – Conan O’Brien
After 14 years, the CEO of J. Crew is stepping down. He said he wants to take a Gap year. – Conan O’Brien
