[Jokes from Jun 14, 2017]
I saw that today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. That’s right. When his staff saw him coming, they turned out the lights and hid — until he went away. “Whew, so close. We almost had to say, “Happy Birthday!” – Jimmy Fallon
It’s Donald Trump’s birthday. Seventy-one candles on that cake. Although, Trump later said it was “over a million candles. Most candles ever.” – Stephen Colbert
Happy Birthday to President Trump, who turned 71 today. So, the president is a man in his 70s who wants a golf score in the 60s, his country in the ’50s and a wife in her 20s. – Seth Meyers
Today is President Trump’s birthday. Melania surprised him by still living in the White House. – Conan O’Brien
Melania jumped out of a cake and made a run for it. – Jimmy Kimmel
He got a lot of birthday cards from different people. And we actually got our hands on a few of them. Let’s take a look at these. For example, here’s one from Vladimir Putin [shows card]. His card says, “It sounds like you had a great party.” Inside it says, “Based on our recordings from the Oval Office.” – Jimmy Fallon
Next one is from Sean Spicer. It says, “Today, I’m toasting to you.” And inside it says, “Because you’re the reason I drink every day.” – Jimmy Fallon
And finally, here’s one from George W. Bush. It says, “Here’s to you.” And inside it says, “For making me look like president of the century.” – Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump turned 71 today. At the White House, they had a little party for the president. They played pin the blame on the press secretary. – Jimmy Kimmel
Vladimir Putin didn’t show up but he, you know, gave Trump his present back in November. – Jimmy Kimmel
Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. Trump received a card from Vladimir Putin that said, “I hope you’re enjoying the birthday present I gave you in November.” – Conan O’Brien
It is President Donald Trump’s birthday today, he’s 71 years old today. I’m just glad, I’m glad Donald Trump can finally have a day where he’s the center of attention. – James Corden
71 years ago, Donald Trump was just a little baby, with little hands and feet, going wah-wah-wah all day long. And nothing has really changed since then. – Jimmy Kimmel
It must be hard to shop for Trump. What do you get the man who has everything? I know, I know something he doesn’t have, the popular vote. – James Corden
Two hundred Democrats got together to give the president something he might like. But instead, they’re suing Trump over foreign payments to his businesses. At least they got together to give him this card: “Congratulations, birthday boy, you’ve been served.” – Stephen Colbert
There’s a major report from the Washington Post just a couple of hours ago. It says that the special counsel led by Robert Mueller is now officially looking into whether President Trump attempted to obstruct justice in his dealings with James Comey. As far as presidential birthday presents go, not exactly Marilyn Monroe singing to JFK. But I like to imagine Trump found out about this just as Sean Spicer was handing him his birthday present. – Jimmy Kimmel
Now of course, turning 71 is a big occasion. To celebrate, I think Trump should take the day off, I do. And the week, and the month, and the next four years. – James Corden
The president had an interesting lunch yesterday with Republican senators where he had some surprisingly strong criticism of the Republican healthcare bill. He called the bill “mean, cold-hearted, and a son of a bitch.” He does know the bill is not Bill Cosby or Bill O’Reilly, right? – Jimmy Kimmel
Today, President Trump said the GOP healthcare bill that passed through the House was “mean” and “difficult to defend.” Then Trump said, “In other words, I love it.” – Conan O’Brien
In other Trump news, in a meeting with Republican senators, the president reportedly told members of Congress that he feels the Republican healthcare bill is not generous enough and is “mean”. Who talks like that, who says “mean”? He talks like he’s gossiping at a junior high dance. After that he called the guys who drafted the bill a bunch of basic bitches. – James Corden
Trump says the bill needs to be less mean and more generous. In other words, it needs to be Obamacare. – James Corden
A French fashion label is now offering a pair of $570 jeans that come without a butt. There’s nothing in the butt. I have got to tell you, these jeans are a great way of telling your friends and coworkers that your father never paid enough attention to you. – James Corden
They should call these Republican healthcare jeans because there is barely any coverage. – James Corden
According to reports, since President Trump won the Republican nomination, the majority of Trump real estate sales have been to “secretive buyers” who use corporate entities to avoid revealing their names. But I’m pretty sure we all know who’s behind Plad Vutin LLC. – Seth Meyers
Following Monday’s first official cabinet meeting, the secretary of Veterans Affairs said that President Trump does not “script” the cabinet members, adding, quote, “We’re given the ability to say what’s on our mind.” Which explains why Ben Carson said, “Cucumber luggage hula hoop.” – Seth Meyers
During his testimony yesterday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said that he hasn’t been asked to do anything illegal by Trump since taking office. Then he said, “And frankly, I’m starting to feel a little left out.” – Jimmy Fallon
In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced”. Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? – James Corden
Fox News is dropping its famous tagline, “Fair and Balanced.” Fox News is swapping it for the more accurate tagline, “Paranoia and Ads for Cialis.” – Conan O’Brien
But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. – James Corden
Fox News has announced it is dropping its slogan “Fair and Balanced.” For the same reason United dropped “Fly the Friendly Skies”. – Seth Meyers
There’s a new version of the Bible that has updated language that’s coming out. For example, it refers to Jesus’ disciples as “wingmen”. – Conan O’Brien
Astronomers are now speculating that our sun may have had a long lost twin. So, it’s official: Our entire solar system is a telenovela. – Conan O’Brien
An 18-year-old field-goal kicker could be the first woman to play in the NFL. Scouts say she has the talent and desire. All she needs now is the criminal record. – Conan O’Brien
