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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jul 26, 2017]

I began my day as I often do, by checking Donald Trump’s Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he’s off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel tweeting. What? What won’t you allow? Socks with sandals? Dancing? Please tell me it’s not alcohol. I needs my drank! – Stephen Colbert

Ten minutes later he told us what he won’t allow: “Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military.” – Stephen Colbert

Some big political news. Today President Trump went on Twitter and announced that he is banning transgender people from serving in the military. Trump said he understands this is a very sensitive issue, so he made sure to choose his emoji’s very carefully. – Jimmy Fallon

Today Donald Trump announced on Twitter that he wants to ban transgender soldiers from serving in the U.S. military. This is unusual. Usually when Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor’s note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam. – James Corden

This is what really stings — they are being rejected by a rich guy who during Vietnam sidestepped the draft with four deferments and a medical disqualification for bone spurs in his foot. – Stephen Colbert

Now this reverses a policy that Obama put in place last year. At this point, it just seems like Trump wants to do the opposite of everything Obama did. He is like, “Oh, Obama pardoned a turkey on Thanksgiving? Well I’m going to slaughter a turkey with a chainsaw on the front lawn.” – James Corden

Actually, Trump says that he’s banning transgender people from serving because of high medical costs. If he cares so much about high medical costs, maybe he should pass a healthcare bill. – Jimmy Fallon

Now Trump says that this move is to save money. But according to one study if you look at all the money that is spent on healthcare for transgender soldiers, the military spends five times as much on prescriptions for Viagra. – James Corden

Yesterday we were talking about how the Senate Republicans celebrated narrowly voting to open debate on their Obamacare repeal bill. Well, that victory is on life support already, because last night, their plan to replace Obamacare lost by 43-57. – Stephen Colbert

But don’t worry. They have a backup-backup-backup plan, the so-called “Skinny repeal,” which I think is made with soy milk. – Stephen Colbert

Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn’t seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, “I’m going to need another clue.” – Jimmy Fallon

Another big story is Trump’s feud with Attorney General Jeff Sessions. When he was asked about what will happen to Sessions, Trump said, “Time will tell.” When asked if he was just stealing lines off his magic eight ball, Trump said, “Ask again later”. – Jimmy Fallon

At a rally in Ohio last night, President Trump said that Abraham Lincoln is the only president more presidential than him. And then, this is weird, Trump invited him to the White House. – Seth Meyers

President Trump today wrote an all caps tweet saying quote, “IN AMERICA WE DON’T WORSHIP GOVERNMENT – WE WORSHIP GOD.” Though I think most of us will happily worship whichever one gets you out of office first. – Seth Meyers

Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci said today that he’s not a backstabber, but “more of a front-stabbing person”. And it’s very telling about this administration that they think there’s a right way to stab somebody. “I stab from the front, underhand. Like a gentleman.” – Seth Meyers

Energy Secretary Rick Perry recently spent 20 minutes on the phone talking to the prime minister of the Ukraine, only to find out he was actually being pranked by a Russian comedian. So it looks like Russia is now two for two pranking America. – James Corden


Also published on Medium.

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