[Jokes from Aug 1, 2017[
People are still talking about Anthony Scaramucci — he lasted just six days, making him the shortest-serving White House communications director ever. But don’t feel bad — publishers have offered him a lot of money to write a tell-all pamphlet about the experience. – Jimmy Fallon
According to NBC, Ivanka and first lady Melania Trump were disgusted by Scaramucci’s crude comments to The New Yorker. They say they absolutely will not tolerate that kind of language from someone whose will they are not in. – Seth Meyers
Trump is apparently looking for a less prominent position for Scaramucci that wouldn’t require him to be seen very often. Then Scaramucci said, “You want me to be first lady?” – Jimmy Fallon
White House officials yesterday said they hope to have a bill on tax reform sent to President Trump before December. December? Do you know how much time could happen between now and December? That’s 12 Scaramuccis from now. – Seth Meyers
It’s been a rough week for Scaramucci. In fact, I saw that in the latest alumni directory for Harvard Law School, he was mistakenly listed as dead. It’s nothing personal, that’s just what happens at Harvard if you don’t donate any money. – Jimmy Fallon
Two weeks ago, I had never heard of Anthony Scaramucci. Now, I’ve got to make an appointment to have the tattoo lasered off. – Stephen Colbert
After President Trump removed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci yesterday, he tweeted, “A great day at the White House.” Coincidentally, a great day at the White House is the average length of employment there. – Seth Meyers
Yesterday was White House Chief of Staff John Kelly’s first day on the job. But it got awkward when he showed up and said, “Why are you writing my name on the door in dry erase marker?” – Jimmy Fallon
Things are completely different since the president appointed a new chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. Rumor is Kelly got the job after he stood up to Trump, when raised voices could be heard through the thick door to the Oval Office. It was seen as an early indication that Kelly was not afraid to stand up to his commander in chief. No surprise. Trump respects people who don’t suck up to him, starting … yesterday. – Stephen Colbert
For Donald Trump it’s been a rough couple of … his entire presidency. The chaos coming out of the White House is just coming at you so fast. It’s hard to keep track of it. – Stephen Colbert
We have the Olympics in 2028. Only 11 more years, and then volleyball! I feel like between climate change and Kim Jong Un it’s optimistic to think we’ll still have a Los Angeles in 2028. – Jimmy Kimmel
The slogan for the Olympics is “Follow the Sun,” which is great advice if you want people walking directly into the ocean. – Jimmy Kimmel
I’m excited about the Olympics being here, but I hope they really go for it. I’m going to start a movement to try to get them to let Snoop Dogg light the torch with a big red, white, and blue blunt. Have an L.A. Olympics! – Jimmy Kimmel
Do you guys know that song “Despacito?” Well, the government of Malaysia has banned the song from radio and TV in that country for having obscene lyrics. They could be right. I’ve heard this song 2,000 times and I still have no idea what it’s about. – James Corden
In Malaysia, the government bans obscene content. Here, the president tweets it. – James Corden
On the bright side, it’s now possible to go an entire day without hearing “Despacito”. You just have to move to Malaysia. – James Corden
A five-year-old girl who ran a lemonade stand in London was fined $195 for not having the proper trading permit. See, this is why I make my kids open all their lemonade stands offshore on the Cayman Islands. – James Corden
A couple recently got married on a roller coaster at a Massachusetts amusement park while their wedding guests were on the ride with them. And this is cool — the reception was open barf. – Seth Meyers
Utility workers here in New York City retrieved a woman’s wedding ring that she dropped down a sewer. While the rat handing it back was like, “Always a bridesmaid!…” – Jimmy Fallon
A new article has been published ranking New York City’s best public restrooms. So congratulations yet again to … the subway! – Seth Meyers
